for various unimportant reasons (mostly that everyone else is doing it and i want in on the fun), i am switching my blog to wordpress. so in the future, you can find me and my thoughts at mandalun.wordpress.com. i've been distracted from writing lately, but i plan on making it a priority again as i seem to live life more fully when i put it into my own words. so here's to life through my eyes!

i had no idea
you were there
when i was here.
i had no idea
you saw that
when i saw this.
i had no idea
you were saying that
when i heard this.
i had no idea
you felt empty and
my hand meant nothing.

i had no idea.

how could i?

how could i know
you were there
when i was here with you?
how could i know
you saw that
when i saw this with you?
how could i know
you were saying that
when i only heard you?
how could i know
you were empty
when i was filled with you?

how could i know i had no idea?

i don't like myself right now. and what i hate most is the fact that any resolutions for change i make tonight will be abandoned first thing in the morning. it takes more than not liking and even more than hating to change -it takes movement. and movement means no more being lazy -no more laying on the couch eating fritos. it means getting out of bed, walking the little boys to the park, weeding the garden with mom, learning a new language, volunteering to council at camp, being ok alone if it's the best thing for now. that's the hardest part.

i need to know it's ok.
ok to have questions,
ok to be confused,
ok to be scared,
ok to not always smile.
i just need to know it's ok.
maybe then i can start to trust.

sometimes i wonder if the world i see is the same world everyone else sees. what if we all see the world in different colors? we may all agree that the grass is green -but what if what i see as green is blue to you? in that case my world could look very different from yours -my sun might be purple for all i know. but that doesn't mean it's wrong. (but your sun might be fuchsia, and that WOULD be wrong). if everything was black and white there would be no confusion over view points and opinions and the color of water. but there wouldn't be yellow daffodils or pink flamingos either. and that would be a sad world. what kind of world would it be for parrots if all we had was black and white?

as you might guess, i'm trying to convince myself of this. i'm trying to remember to be thankful for different perspectives and new experiences that get you up close and personal with tough stuff you never thought had more than 2 very distinct right and wrong sides. i'm trying to remind myself that red roses and yellow giraffes are worth foggy, confusing trips through trial and error. because while penguins and nuns would still be cute in a world of black and white, the rest of the world would look awfully dull.

i have a job. all of a sudden i have just what i've wanted for the past month. i thought i knew what would make everything alright -a secure position where i would be guaranteed a monthly paycheck. but suddenly i have it and i'm not so sure. maybe i should have run away to the orphanages of africa while i had a chance. now i'm committed. and don't get me wrong, i'm grateful. ever so grateful. it's just strange when you think you know what you want, and you get it only to find you want something else. while security is great, i'm finding there are much more important things. the picture in my head isn't black and white like it used to be -perhaps i need some new glasses. or maybe i should make an exchange for a blank picture with places for all the colors of the rainbow.

i think you might laugh if you could see me now. you'd at least wonder. i'm sitting crosslegged on a sleeping bag laid out on the kitchen floor. i feel like i'm playing boat, the wood floor is the ocean lapping up against the sides of my sturdy sea craft, the sleeping bag. i've got my laptop here, my book next to me, and a glass of water close by. what else do you need? seriously. it wasn't too long ago that this was enough for me. i'm not sure what happened, but suddenly i have credit card payments and loans to think about and a job to get so i can do more than just think about them. all of a sudden there are bigger things to worry about than what's for snack. when did that happen?

i'm reading a book. (surprise!) it's one that i've seen on my dad's shelf for a long time -ruthless trust, by brennan manning. somehow those words don't seem to go together, yet they fit without trying. ruthless -that sounds like a dangerous adventure. and trust -that sounds peaceful and secure. a peaceful, secure, dangerous adventure -that sounds too good to be true.

trust is not something i know very much about. it's not something i've ever been good at -and i try to avoid getting too involved with things i'm not good at. trust requires vulnerability. it requires you to let go of pride and independence and let go. let go? what? can you even imagine what would happen if i just let go? well, we may never know because my hands are clenched so tightly i can't tell where my fingers end and my cares begin.

in his book, manning tells a story of a man meeting mother theresa. when she asks him what he wants prayer for, he says, "clarity." she says she can't do that. she says, "clarity is the last thing you're clinging to and must let go of." (see, there it is -"let go.") the man comments that she always seems to have great clarity in her mission. she laughs and says, "i have never had clarity; what i have always had is trust."

i want to trust. believe me, i do. but it always seems like such bad timing. how about in a couple of years when my loans are all paid off -how about i let go and trust then? why don't you let me finish up here, get things squared away, then i'll be ready to do whatever you say. but what is trust if you have nothing to worry about? what good is letting go if you're not holding on to anything? what kind of trust says now that i have a safe, soft place to fall, i'll let you catch me?

that's not trust. there's certainly nothing ruthless or dangerous about giving up plans that are already carried out to a tee. there's nothing scary about stepping into a dark room when you've made sure a light will go on as soon as you have a doubt. that's not even wimpy trust. and it definitely doesn't make for much of an adventure. i want more.