hello hello!

much has happened over the last few weeks. some big things, many small.

-i no longer live alone -elizabeth got me a plant! his name is charlie.
-our schedule at school is changing. it was quite a frustrating couple of days when we found out early this week, but all is well. or will be well, eventually.
-after much debate, elizabeth and i have given up chai tea, koolaid, and soda for lent. (the chai mostly for me, the soda mostly for lizzie, and the koolaid for both of us).
-we had our last day with our older set of kindies yesterday (friday). they graduate on monday. =( our little ones -all grown up! it will be a rather sad day.
-i finished my second agatha christie mystery -brilliant!
-we went out and sang kareoke with all the teachers from school last night. with pop classics like "skater boy," "1985," and "since you been gone," it was a great time.
-at korean class we learned how to say, "i am from america,""mee-guk esa wa-sy-yo." my kids were dually impressed and i say it most every chance i get.
-our californian teacher, bryan, is leaving school and we are getting a new teacher, jayne, from the UK.
-we found eggo waffles at costco and have been enjoying them to their potential.
-elizabeth turned 24! (which is really 25 here in korea).
-both our moms nailed down their plans to visit in april, it's going to be mom month! we couldn't be more excited.
-i bought a skirt and found out i barely fit into a size large, which is the largest size they have here.
-the cold has been scared off (somewhat) by the sun.
-elizabeth and i finished the second season of grey's anatomy. (quite an accomplishment, really...)
-i switched the cards hung all over my house from christmas to valentines.
-we went to cindy and big tiger's (our bosses) house during the lunar holiday and got to have dawng (sp?), traditional rice noodle soup.
-elizabeth and i have successfully depleted our supply of oatmeal, time for another costco run. =)
-i miss my guitar horribly and may have to look for a cheap old one around here.
-i went out to chase the sun a couple of days ago and ended up adventuring through a maze of trails up and down a "mountian forest" of sorts (which would have suited any washingtonian) nearby. it gave me a much needed dose of vitamin e. (some pictures below).

here are a few pictures for your viewing pleasure:

lizzie and i sorting out science projects in the lobby at school -a favorite monthly pastime.

hanging out in the teacher's office at school.

with my starfishies on a feildtrip to the space museum!

lizzie's birthday breakfast.

lizzie's party at cindy and big tiger's house.

being the model students we are at korean class.

yet another toaster oven meal from the pros.

look, there are trees!

and a trail! let's follow it!

the sun makes me so happy. (but elizabeth is my happy drug).

one of the many sidewalk fruit stands in my neighborhood.

i'm losing my beloved seal class to 1st grade.

i don't have favorites, but...caleb's smile is about the best thing in the world.

my last lunch with starfish class. boo hoo.

out with leora, annie, eunice, and jessie.

the foreign teachers. we stick together. like glue. literally. but bryan is leaving...sad sad.


next time i shall tell you about our adventure shopping for outfits (elizabeth and i don't really do "professional") to wear to graduation on monday. it should make for a good story, seeing as their largest size barely fits us and we have to go to special stores to find shoes even relatively close to our size. fun fun. =) thanks for reading! from korea, i wish you all a lovely day. peace.

on one particularly crappy day during the summer, i asked my brother, "do you ever wish there was something you could take to make all the bad stuff go away? i just need something to make me feel like everything is ok. even if it isn't, i just need to feel like it is."

"amanda -that's what drugs do."

"oh. right."

i never understood why people did drugs. i never understood what could drive a person to such a desperate state that they felt they had to somehow leave reality for a brighter place. my wise little brother understands all too well, and now i do, too. it's really not such a desperate state -it's the state we're all in -we just cope with it differently. all we want is something to take the pain away -something to make us feel like everything is ok. when we're little, momma and daddy tell us everything will be ok. and we believe them. why shouldn't we? we don't know any better. and it's not that they're lying to us -but in that moment, they reassure us because it's what we need to hear, not because they are sure of it's truth. as we get older, we slowly realize our parents aren't the all-knowing, all-powerful beings we once thought. we turn to other things -music, literature, drugs, alcohol, relationships, academics, work. it's why we join online dating sites and sit at local bars making sure the seat next to us is open. it's why we can't be awake more than 33 minutes without coffee and why we eat like there's no tomorrow. it's why we watch tv shows where beautiful men and women lead romantic and exciting lives -because it's easier to cry over their lost boyfriend, over their dying spouse, rather than crying over our own spilled milk. it's all a kind of drug.

a lot of the time, i'd rather not feel anything than feel what is in my soul. i'll do most anything to bury it -throw myself into a good book, find a new band i like, spend all my time with people, bake some bread, clean my house -anything to get away from the worries, insecurity and hopelessness that come if i allow myself to feel too deeply. but this isn't right. not only does it mean all those feelings are rotting away somewhere inside, it means i'm not experiencing the joy i'm created to live in. since i've been in korea away from home, i've felt more "depressed" than i ever have before. depressed is a strong word, and i don't mean to say i've lived in a state of depression, but i mean it to say at times i've literally felt "pressed" down, "pressed" against, "pressed" to the point it physically hurts. i'm not used to that. but at the same time, i've felt the most -what's the opposite of depressed? uplifted? -that i've ever felt. i've felt spontaneous joy and hope through simple little things more than i ever have. i've laid on the floor and cried and cried because i don't know how to cope with being alone. and i've danced around my kitchen (the laminate floor is incredibly conducive to socked feet) feeling so happy to just be alive. once you start letting yourself feel, i think both extremes are bound to pop up. without the feeling of utter hopelessness, you can't realize how wonderful it is to find hope. it's not a new concept -without pain, we wouldn't know what happiness is. but i'm realizing it in a new, very real way.

in her book, "traveling mercies," anne lamott (yes, she started all this) talks about grieving over the loss of her dad and best friend. she says, "don't get me wrong; grief sucks; it really does. unfortunately, though, avoiding it robs us of life, of the now, of a sense of living spirit...you can often avoid the pain by trying to fix other people, etc...but the bad news is that whatever you use to keep the pain at bay robs you of the flecks and nuggets of gold that feeling grief will give you...the more often i cried in my room in ixtapa and felt just generally wretched, the more often i started to have occasional moments of utter joy, of feeling aware of each moment shining for its own momentous sake."

it isn't always death that we avoid grieving over. it's unmet expectations, spoiled plans, broken relationships, unrealized dreams. the more they pile up, the more numb we become to pain and it's softening, gentling, molding, refining affect on us. at least those are my current thoughts. it sucks to feel the "lows," but i'd rather feel them than not feel the "highs." i'm far away from my family and friends, but i have a most wonderful friend to hang out with tonight. if i didn't cry over how much it sucks to be away from the ones i love at home, i wouldn't be this excited to be with someone i love here. "this is plenty of miracle for me to rest in now."

peace...until my thoughts overflow next time. =)

i feel like i've had a breakthrough! minor -maybe. meaningful -without a doubt. here's the story.

here in korea, people don't shop the way way we do in the states. rather than going to costco every couple of weeks and stocking both the upstairs and downstairs freezers, they stop by the store on their way home from work most every day and buy only what they can carry -usually without a bag. i've slowly become accustomed to this way of life -so i frequently visit the corner grocery store down my street. elizabeth and i are pretty much the only foreigners in this area -seriously, in the last 3 months we've seen 3 in our vicinity. so i'm quite the spectacle, walking down the aisles past the dried seaweed and whole raw fish, heading for the bread and milk. the clerks have been patient with my ignorance and do things like tap the screen to show me my total rather than repeat it aloud to my blank face. but of course i'm a more difficult customer -and who really wants to add difficulty to their lives? so i try to make things as simple as possible and don't buy anything bulk that requires extra help, etc. anyway, i was there buying water (a favorite pastime) a couple of days ago, and i went up to a clerk i've seen there most everyday for the last 3 months (i swear, she lives there). as i handed her the money, i gave my usual smile and my best "cumsamnida" with a little bow. (because i feel like a bow smooths everything over -even my poor korean). but this time, rather than saying "dae" and shooing me along, she looked up, gave me a big smile, and said, "bye bye!" i was taken aback for a good couple of seconds, but then i slowly realized she was speaking my language, and i smiled back at her with a "bye." i was instantly struck with the significance of such a minor interaction. i had never realized how much a little thing like talking to your clerk at the store means -communication is an amazing thing and when its hindered by things like language, it's sad and just plain difficult. i walked out of that store feeling like i'd connected with all of korea -not just a lady in a grocery store. it was quite wonderful.

it just goes to show that with enough time away from the little things, you realize how important they are.

ok, now unlike hercule poirot (i'm reading my first agatha christie mystery!), i'm not getting surges of mental energy as i sit here relaxing. hastings, who does only "one thing" when he sits still and lets himself relax, is more my type. i'm now moving on to experience that "one thing" more comfortably in bed. =)

wow -there is so much to think about. just in the last couple of hours since i got back from school, my mind has gone from tom cruise and scientology, christmas letters and chocolate's life-improving power, to love languages and the "davos question." (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCA9vhT_In4)

there's so much going on around me. whether it's happening to the friend sitting next to me or the child miles and miles away from me -it's hard to keep everything straight. political issues, religious ideals, personal problems. what should i care about? how should i spend my time? i tend to focus on loving and investing in the people directly around me -because i can't seem to get my head around anything much further than that. i don't know all the ins and outs of the iraqi war and i don't have an educated opinion on the subject -but when i ask my students the question:
"what do you think is the greatest invention of all time?"
and one of them answers:
"nuclear weapons -because they can kill people."-
i know something is wrong. something is very wrong.

there are millions of answers to the davos question -"what one thing can countries, companies, and individuals do to make the world a better place in 2008." emma thompson said, "listen to eachother." bono said, "end extreme poverty." president hamid karzai said, "be kind and considerate to eachother." another girl said, "support and pursue science and technology." it's good that we're asking the question and thinking about ways it can be answered, even fulfilled, this year. but it's sad because i can't help thinking that no matter how good everyone's intentions are, no matter how hard we try to listen and be kind to eachother, and no matter how much tom cruise believes he is the one who can help the people in the car accident on the side of the road -only God can help. i believe we are His hands and His feet to a broken world -but i also believe the world is in fact broken and only He can ultimately make it "a better place." it's a tricky thing. i keep coming back to the fact that all we can do is love people and pray they see God in us. yep.

"hallelujah -God is near!"

i think i need to put this on my wall in big letters so i see it first thing every morning when i wake up. or better yet, i should attach a stick to my head and hang the statement from it like a carrot in front of a horse. it's the truth and it's revolutionary! knowing that God is near should affect every word i say, every thought i think, every note i write, every smile i give or don't give. God is near -and that changes everything. hallelujah!

today at church, pastor marc choi from new york was visiting. he said, "we need to be an ugly church." it's true -rather than getting all beautiful before we head off to church, we need to be real and transparent in our brokenness. but like lizzie and i were saying at starbucks tonight, we also need to live in hope as people who are being rebuilt. we need to be vulnerable in our weaknesses, but also show others the strength we have in Jesus. we are broken just like everyone else -but we have found hope and must live so that others want what we have. broken people loved by God loving broken people with God's love.

in his song, "remedy," david crowder says,
"where there is pain, let us bring grace.
where there is suffering, bring serenity.
for those afraid, let us be brave.
where there is misery, let us bring relief.
let us bring the remedy,
surely we can change...something."

donald miller says, "we are called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding."

in her account of a young girl struggling to find hope, jamie tworkowski says, "we are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. we don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. we won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. we were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home."

it's easy to be hopeful and zealous sitting in my apartment dreaming of revolutions of love sweeping the world. the hard part is walking out my door tomorrow morning and walking the streets with that same hope and zeal. God help us.

He is near -hallelujah!

i went back to school today after a week long vacation and on my desk waiting for me were a package and 4 letters. wow!! that's all i can say. i have gotten letter after letter since i've been here, package after package...etc. i can't tell you how loved it makes me feel and how much it helps knowing people at home love me and are praying for me while i'm a world away. you have no idea how much it helps when i'm alone in my house to pull a letter out of my purse and just hold it because i know someone who loves me held it. i know i'm a sentimental mushy pot, but it's true. i was sitting here on my bed reading my letters through once, then twice, then again...and all of a sudden i was overwhelmed with the thought of how many people are praying for me at home. no wonder i'm ok -no wonder the moments when i feel like i can't handle it never last long. God's holding me. and and He's holding you, too...which actually means we aren't very far apart, although God's hands are pretty big seeing as He's got the whole world in His hands. =)

thank you, thank you, thank you for praying for me and loving me in all the ways you do. really, thank you.

(ok, thanks for letting me be a big soppy teddy bear for a bit.)

i'm constantly amazed by people. i love watching people (unbeknownst to them, of course) and riding the subway provides the perfect opportunity. on my right a middle aged man talks to his wife on his cellphone...he speaks softly and surely, chuckling under his breath often, and sighing as if every moment away from her wears on him. across from me a girl sits on her mother's lap looking like she thinks she should stand up and be a "big girl," even though she wants nothing more than to stay warm and secure with her mother's arms clasped around her. down at the end of the car an old man sits with his back upright, facing the people around him with suspicion as if he's experienced too much to sit back and trust.

it's easy for me to be critical of society. i look around and it seems like nobody cares about anybody but themselves. but then something happens -i'm helping elizabeth find the right size coat at a sidewalk sale and a taxi driver pulls over and starts motioning dramatically to get our attention, trying to show us that elizabeth should make sure the arms are long enough and that it isn't too narrow across the shoulders. when we leave with the "correct" size, he waves and gives us the thumbs up, satisfied that he has successfully led another shopper down the tricky road to a good fit. or i'm standing on a crowded subway when a man behind me gets up, leaving an empty seat, and the neighboring lady hurriedly saves it with her hand and motions me to sit down. or elizabeth and i are standing in line at the post office and an old lady at the counter notices us admiring her brightly striped socks and gives us such a big smile that i wonder if it hurts her.

then i remember it's still God's world no matter how much we twist it -so of course there's love everywhere. then i smile, promptly take back my critiques, and wonder at how much love goes unnoticed and unaccepted everyday. it's there if we look for it. and hopefully we're adding to it.