you know those kernels of corn that are left at the bottom of the popcorn popper after all the rest have popped? those 7 kernels that swirl around and around and around and are still circling aimlessly hours after the other 335 have jumped from the popper and made their home in the bowl awaiting outside? i've always felt sorry for them. i remember watching them spin as a kid, always hoping that one more would make it out before dad flipped the switch. i still leave the popper on minutes after i know it's a hopeless case, wishing to be proven wrong by that "POP" of one more kernel.

i mean, who wants to remain a tiny brown kernel when they could turn into beautiful white fluffiness? i don't know firsthand, since i've never been or even talked to a popcorn kernel, but i'm pretty sure that sitting at the bottom of a popper time after time until someone decides to empty it into the garbage isn't every popcorn kernel's dream. when it is finally their turn to leave the mound of other kernels to actually enter the popper, i imagine they expect great things. and after making it in, they spin with everyone else -as fast as they can, waiting for the second they will make their great jump into the bowl. how disappointing it must be for those who never make it?? they must feel like something's wrong with them. that they didn't try hard enough. that their chance to shine (in this case, pop) is gone.

ok, i think i've taken this far enough. now you know the thoughts that wander through my head while i'm making a snack to go with my movie. until next time's deep thoughts involving food -i'm signing out.

don't surrender your loneliness
so quickly.
let it cut more deep.

let it ferment and season you
as few human
or divine ingredients can.

something missing in my heart tonight
has made my eyes so soft,
my voice
so tender,

my need of God
absolutely
clear.

(shams-al-din hafiz, 12th c. persian poet)

there is much missing from my heart these days. elizabeth's hugs. jayne's faces. lucia's singing. mcdonalds in the morning on the way to an adventure. elizabeth tickling me. dancing with penguin class. singing "bye bye see you tomorrow." reading on elizabeth's bed. asking, "what day is it today?" dinner and cards at jayne's flat. elizabeth's voice. movies on don't go. jayne's cuddles. catch phrase. peanut butter cookies. ediya coffee on fridays. etc. etc.

there is also much that helps to fill in those holes. dutch blitz with my sisters. cribbage with rach. soren's singing. reading books to haddon. meeting nate's girlfriend. mom's amazing cooking. dad's insights. uno with ben. editing kaleb's papers. "hammock talks" with rach. singing and cuddling with my sisters. piano playing. my own bed. vanilla lattes with poppa chuck. rock band with the girls. etc. etc.

but the holes are still there. i sit here on my comfy bed in a house full of love and warmth and still miss the hard beds and heated floors of korea. i don't enjoy loneliness. but i want to be soft, tender, deep, in my need for God and people. toward that end, perhaps i'm in a good place. right now it feels a bit like i'm putting on band aid after band aid in vain trying to stop gushing blood. i know the holes will eventually get smaller. and smaller. but here's the thing -part of me doesn't want them to. what do i do with that?

i don't do goodbyes. i just don't. i think one thing that really points to there being more besides this life here and now, is how temporary things in this world are, and how eternal we as humans are built. we're not made to say goodbye. it's not a natural thing. we crave stability and permanence and security and routine (elizabeth keeps throwing them out and they're right on the money, so i'm putting them down). we also crave adventure and change at times, but i think these are more fleeting pursuits and after chasing them for awhile, we revert back to the longing for stability. in a perfect world, there would be no goodbyes. but i hate to break it to you, this is not a perfect world. and goodbyes come with the territory -that doesn't mean i like them though. every bone in my body screams at me that this is not fair! this is not the way it's supposed to be. and it's true, it's not. i don't do goodbyes.

(i don't think this thought process is finished, but i'm done for now).

how are you supposed to hug a child you've hugged everyday for the past year for the last time? what are you supposed to say to a 5 year old girl who, when you say that you're leaving, says, "but teacha, i'm sad?" how are you supposed to look into the overflowing eyes of a child and say "i'll see you again," knowing you most likely won't? what do you do when your boss stays out of the teacher's room all day because she starts bawling every time she sees you? what do you say to a child who says, "but why teacha? don't you love us?" how do you eat with friends with whom you've shared most every meal over the last year for the last time? how do you hold a friend whose arms have been the things holding you together, and know it will be a very long time before you hold them again? how do you watch your kids smile and wave to another teacher? how do you let go of a child who won't let go of you? how do you smile and say everything will be ok with tears streaming down your face?

how do you say goodbye?
how do you hug for the last time?
what do you say when you know you probably won't meet again in this life?
how do you deal with being replaced?
how do you live without people who have been your life?

i have no idea and i don't want to know, because it feels incredibly wrong. but it's happening.

pain is a weird thing. we go to drastic measures to avoid it, we usually do our best to keep from causing it, and we still find ourselves suffering from it daily and hurling it at those closest to us over and over again.

it's kind of funny to me how we go through life trying not to step on people's toes -whether it's the person in front of you in line at the grocery store or your best friend -in general, we try not to hurt people. one of the first things we learn as kids is not to hit other kids. as we get older, we find out we're capable of more -teeth leave a pretty good mark and knuckles can leave an eye black and blue for days. but there's another kind of pain we're capable of inflicting. "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." i'm not sure how long the gap is between when we learn that rhyme and when we learn that it's a lie. but it seems that not long after we're running to mom with, "he pushed me," we're going with, "she called me a toadface." (i made that one up).

i don't think it's funny that we try to avoid hurting each other. but i've been thinking -how much pain and hurt is actually unavoidable? inevitably, we're going to hurt each other. and is it such a bad thing? sometimes, yes. but hurt also brings growth. and pain reveals depth.

i'm not saying i think we should go out of our way to hurt people. but i don't know if avoiding pain should be our main concern. if we truly care about someone, we want to see them grow and become the person they are meant to be. a painless existence doesn't bring this about. this year especially, i've realized that my closest relationships aren't those i tiptoe through leaving a trail of flowers and candy. they are the ones i stumble into, fall over in, get back up again in, trudge through, skip through, fall over again in, and end up leaving mostly mud mixed with tea and bits of chocolate (on a good day). these lines made me think:

this is how it works:
you're young until you're not,
you love until you don't,
you try until you can't,
you laugh until you cry,
you cry until you laugh.
you peer inside yourself
you take the things you like
and try to love the things you took
and then you take that love you made
and stick it into some
someone elses' heart,
pumping someone elses' blood
and walking arm in arm
you hope it don't get harmed,
but even if it does
you'll just do it all again.
(regina spektor, "on the radio")

we're not going to avoid hurting each other no matter how hard we try. intimacy means vulnerability and being willing to let someone close enough to hurt you. you can't keep at a distance from people just because you're afraid of hurting them, or vise-versa. true, there will be relationships where the pain you cause each other will not match the joy you receive. and there may even be times when you don't even grow from the hurt, so really they haven't benefited you at all. but i'm convinced it's not a waste. every relationship is bound to teach us something -about ourselves, about each other, about the world, etc.

i don't want medication,
just give me liberation,
even if it cuts the legs right out from under me.
don't give me medication,
i want the real sensation,
even when living feels just like death to me.
(derek webb, "medication")

i don't know about you -but without pain, i become numb. when things are going really well, i start to lose feeling and eventually i lose touch with what it means to be human. being alive doesn't mean always being well. either that, or being well doesn't mean enjoying a peaceful, joyful existence ALL the time. sometimes, we're going to hurt. sometimes we're going to hurt so bad we just want to stop feeling altogether. but that wouldn't be living. we all know that without pain, we can't know joy. it's the same in relationships. without letting ourselves be hurt, and allowing ourselves to even hurt others at times, we can't know the joy buried behind the pain. i wonder how it would be if instead of watching out for each others' toes, we were looking into each others' eyes, returning their smiles, exchanging words that cut through all the superficial hogwash and get to the heart.

i just wonder what it would be like if pain wasn't our worst fear.

all these dates have been bouncing around crazily in my head, so i'm going to write them out in an orderly fashion in an attempt to ease my brain.

oct. 31 -last day of work
nov. 2 -leave for beijing
nov. 6 -leave beijing for bangkok
nov. 10 -leave bangkok for one of thailand's islands
nov. 17 -leave bangkok for home (bangkok - seoul, then seoul - seattle)
nov. 18 -HOME

then i'll be spending the next month and a half at home (and in places nearby) being with everyone i've missed over the last year.

jan. 4 -europe with lizzie (we'll be backpacking around germany, prague, switzerland, austria, france, england, ireland)
feb. 11 -home again home again

after that -your guess is as good as mine. i'll be living somewhere with someone working at some place. at the moment, ideas include puyallup, portland and bellingham. but we'll see.

yesterday one of my girls pointed to my arm and said, "teacha, you have white fur. and i have black fur." =) soooo funny. i'm going to miss my kids immensely.

last weekend was chusek (thanksgiving) here in korea, and due to this lovely holiday, we got monday off school. we were determined to make the most of this 3 day weekend so we (actually jayne) rented a car (complete with a navigator), packed it full of stuff (mostly bedding), made a stop at costco for snacks and drinks, and headed north. it was our first camping trip of the summer -our first time being surrounded by hills and trees, laying out on the sand, roasting hot dogs over the fire (actually a grill), swimming in open waters...but it wasn't our first time getting sunburnt and mosquito bitten. and it certainly wasn't the first time elizabeth, jayne and i have spent wonderful hours on end together.


like i said, we brought lots of bedding.


our lovely campsite on the beach -talk about riverfront property.


note our use of chopsticks as skewers. brilliant, eh? also note my position -i've got the asian squat down pat.


our own secluded beach.


waking up to hot chocolate, oatmeal, and sunshine. what more could one want?


we moved to the shade after getting burnt to a crisp.


monday morning came and we weren't near ready to leave.


but we had a visit from a korean soldier (while we were making eggs for breakfast) who informed us that our lovely beach was scattered with land mines, (apparently we were a little too close to the north korean border) so we had to make our exit. he was super nice and even helped us carry all our stuff up to the car.


how were we supposed to know it was a "warning: danger" sign rather than a "welcome: lovely beach" sign? whoops.

all in all it was a most wonderful weekend. you never know what to expect on adventures like these -but think how boring it would be without things like visits from korean soldiers. the countdown continues with only about a month til we're done! thinking about all that has to happen between now and then is crazy overwhelming, so i'm consciously choosing to fill my mind with other things. i'm excited x100 to come home and be with everyone i've missed for the last 11 months. but i'm also terribly sad at the thought of leaving behind the kids and friends that have been my life for the last year. i guess that's life as we know it -bittersweet.