pain is a weird thing. we go to drastic measures to avoid it, we usually do our best to keep from causing it, and we still find ourselves suffering from it daily and hurling it at those closest to us over and over again.

it's kind of funny to me how we go through life trying not to step on people's toes -whether it's the person in front of you in line at the grocery store or your best friend -in general, we try not to hurt people. one of the first things we learn as kids is not to hit other kids. as we get older, we find out we're capable of more -teeth leave a pretty good mark and knuckles can leave an eye black and blue for days. but there's another kind of pain we're capable of inflicting. "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." i'm not sure how long the gap is between when we learn that rhyme and when we learn that it's a lie. but it seems that not long after we're running to mom with, "he pushed me," we're going with, "she called me a toadface." (i made that one up).

i don't think it's funny that we try to avoid hurting each other. but i've been thinking -how much pain and hurt is actually unavoidable? inevitably, we're going to hurt each other. and is it such a bad thing? sometimes, yes. but hurt also brings growth. and pain reveals depth.

i'm not saying i think we should go out of our way to hurt people. but i don't know if avoiding pain should be our main concern. if we truly care about someone, we want to see them grow and become the person they are meant to be. a painless existence doesn't bring this about. this year especially, i've realized that my closest relationships aren't those i tiptoe through leaving a trail of flowers and candy. they are the ones i stumble into, fall over in, get back up again in, trudge through, skip through, fall over again in, and end up leaving mostly mud mixed with tea and bits of chocolate (on a good day). these lines made me think:

this is how it works:
you're young until you're not,
you love until you don't,
you try until you can't,
you laugh until you cry,
you cry until you laugh.
you peer inside yourself
you take the things you like
and try to love the things you took
and then you take that love you made
and stick it into some
someone elses' heart,
pumping someone elses' blood
and walking arm in arm
you hope it don't get harmed,
but even if it does
you'll just do it all again.
(regina spektor, "on the radio")

we're not going to avoid hurting each other no matter how hard we try. intimacy means vulnerability and being willing to let someone close enough to hurt you. you can't keep at a distance from people just because you're afraid of hurting them, or vise-versa. true, there will be relationships where the pain you cause each other will not match the joy you receive. and there may even be times when you don't even grow from the hurt, so really they haven't benefited you at all. but i'm convinced it's not a waste. every relationship is bound to teach us something -about ourselves, about each other, about the world, etc.

i don't want medication,
just give me liberation,
even if it cuts the legs right out from under me.
don't give me medication,
i want the real sensation,
even when living feels just like death to me.
(derek webb, "medication")

i don't know about you -but without pain, i become numb. when things are going really well, i start to lose feeling and eventually i lose touch with what it means to be human. being alive doesn't mean always being well. either that, or being well doesn't mean enjoying a peaceful, joyful existence ALL the time. sometimes, we're going to hurt. sometimes we're going to hurt so bad we just want to stop feeling altogether. but that wouldn't be living. we all know that without pain, we can't know joy. it's the same in relationships. without letting ourselves be hurt, and allowing ourselves to even hurt others at times, we can't know the joy buried behind the pain. i wonder how it would be if instead of watching out for each others' toes, we were looking into each others' eyes, returning their smiles, exchanging words that cut through all the superficial hogwash and get to the heart.

i just wonder what it would be like if pain wasn't our worst fear.