don't surrender your loneliness
so quickly.
let it cut more deep.
let it ferment and season you
as few human
or divine ingredients can.
something missing in my heart tonight
has made my eyes so soft,
my voice
so tender,
my need of God
absolutely
clear.
(shams-al-din hafiz, 12th c. persian poet)
there is much missing from my heart these days. elizabeth's hugs. jayne's faces. lucia's singing. mcdonalds in the morning on the way to an adventure. elizabeth tickling me. dancing with penguin class. singing "bye bye see you tomorrow." reading on elizabeth's bed. asking, "what day is it today?" dinner and cards at jayne's flat. elizabeth's voice. movies on don't go. jayne's cuddles. catch phrase. peanut butter cookies. ediya coffee on fridays. etc. etc.
there is also much that helps to fill in those holes. dutch blitz with my sisters. cribbage with rach. soren's singing. reading books to haddon. meeting nate's girlfriend. mom's amazing cooking. dad's insights. uno with ben. editing kaleb's papers. "hammock talks" with rach. singing and cuddling with my sisters. piano playing. my own bed. vanilla lattes with poppa chuck. rock band with the girls. etc. etc.
but the holes are still there. i sit here on my comfy bed in a house full of love and warmth and still miss the hard beds and heated floors of korea. i don't enjoy loneliness. but i want to be soft, tender, deep, in my need for God and people. toward that end, perhaps i'm in a good place. right now it feels a bit like i'm putting on band aid after band aid in vain trying to stop gushing blood. i know the holes will eventually get smaller. and smaller. but here's the thing -part of me doesn't want them to. what do i do with that?
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Posted by Amanda at 11:43 PM
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3 comments:
I'm glad you are letting this out. Keep talking about your expiriences...keep talking until you think people are tired of hearing...and then talk some more. I think it might help to give people part of this Korea that you miss. I will make it a point to ask you more about your year. love you
Amanda, God has such perfect timing! Lately, I've been praying through my own unexplainable loneliness. I walk busy Chicago streets where others pass me by, crowd me on buses and trains, mind their business shoveling snow. I have fun playing Settlers and Mexican Train with family and friends I love. I finish a Jane Wooster puzzle and cook traditional meals with an entire team of people over a three-day period. And still I feel alone. I've been asking God to squeeze as much value and benefit as possible out of this time,as in my humanness, it feels very empty and purposeless. You had some very helpful focus in your words. Thanks!
Amanda, we love you and are glad you're home - it's important for us to know that you're also missing Korea. I think it shows how fully you give yourself. you leave a part of you whereever you go. No doubt they love you and miss you too. I'm glad you could reconnect with Lizzie and Jayne on this trip.
Love DAD
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