for various unimportant reasons (mostly that everyone else is doing it and i want in on the fun), i am switching my blog to wordpress. so in the future, you can find me and my thoughts at mandalun.wordpress.com. i've been distracted from writing lately, but i plan on making it a priority again as i seem to live life more fully when i put it into my own words. so here's to life through my eyes!

i had no idea
you were there
when i was here.
i had no idea
you saw that
when i saw this.
i had no idea
you were saying that
when i heard this.
i had no idea
you felt empty and
my hand meant nothing.

i had no idea.

how could i?

how could i know
you were there
when i was here with you?
how could i know
you saw that
when i saw this with you?
how could i know
you were saying that
when i only heard you?
how could i know
you were empty
when i was filled with you?

how could i know i had no idea?

i don't like myself right now. and what i hate most is the fact that any resolutions for change i make tonight will be abandoned first thing in the morning. it takes more than not liking and even more than hating to change -it takes movement. and movement means no more being lazy -no more laying on the couch eating fritos. it means getting out of bed, walking the little boys to the park, weeding the garden with mom, learning a new language, volunteering to council at camp, being ok alone if it's the best thing for now. that's the hardest part.

i need to know it's ok.
ok to have questions,
ok to be confused,
ok to be scared,
ok to not always smile.
i just need to know it's ok.
maybe then i can start to trust.

sometimes i wonder if the world i see is the same world everyone else sees. what if we all see the world in different colors? we may all agree that the grass is green -but what if what i see as green is blue to you? in that case my world could look very different from yours -my sun might be purple for all i know. but that doesn't mean it's wrong. (but your sun might be fuchsia, and that WOULD be wrong). if everything was black and white there would be no confusion over view points and opinions and the color of water. but there wouldn't be yellow daffodils or pink flamingos either. and that would be a sad world. what kind of world would it be for parrots if all we had was black and white?

as you might guess, i'm trying to convince myself of this. i'm trying to remember to be thankful for different perspectives and new experiences that get you up close and personal with tough stuff you never thought had more than 2 very distinct right and wrong sides. i'm trying to remind myself that red roses and yellow giraffes are worth foggy, confusing trips through trial and error. because while penguins and nuns would still be cute in a world of black and white, the rest of the world would look awfully dull.

i have a job. all of a sudden i have just what i've wanted for the past month. i thought i knew what would make everything alright -a secure position where i would be guaranteed a monthly paycheck. but suddenly i have it and i'm not so sure. maybe i should have run away to the orphanages of africa while i had a chance. now i'm committed. and don't get me wrong, i'm grateful. ever so grateful. it's just strange when you think you know what you want, and you get it only to find you want something else. while security is great, i'm finding there are much more important things. the picture in my head isn't black and white like it used to be -perhaps i need some new glasses. or maybe i should make an exchange for a blank picture with places for all the colors of the rainbow.

i think you might laugh if you could see me now. you'd at least wonder. i'm sitting crosslegged on a sleeping bag laid out on the kitchen floor. i feel like i'm playing boat, the wood floor is the ocean lapping up against the sides of my sturdy sea craft, the sleeping bag. i've got my laptop here, my book next to me, and a glass of water close by. what else do you need? seriously. it wasn't too long ago that this was enough for me. i'm not sure what happened, but suddenly i have credit card payments and loans to think about and a job to get so i can do more than just think about them. all of a sudden there are bigger things to worry about than what's for snack. when did that happen?

i'm reading a book. (surprise!) it's one that i've seen on my dad's shelf for a long time -ruthless trust, by brennan manning. somehow those words don't seem to go together, yet they fit without trying. ruthless -that sounds like a dangerous adventure. and trust -that sounds peaceful and secure. a peaceful, secure, dangerous adventure -that sounds too good to be true.

trust is not something i know very much about. it's not something i've ever been good at -and i try to avoid getting too involved with things i'm not good at. trust requires vulnerability. it requires you to let go of pride and independence and let go. let go? what? can you even imagine what would happen if i just let go? well, we may never know because my hands are clenched so tightly i can't tell where my fingers end and my cares begin.

in his book, manning tells a story of a man meeting mother theresa. when she asks him what he wants prayer for, he says, "clarity." she says she can't do that. she says, "clarity is the last thing you're clinging to and must let go of." (see, there it is -"let go.") the man comments that she always seems to have great clarity in her mission. she laughs and says, "i have never had clarity; what i have always had is trust."

i want to trust. believe me, i do. but it always seems like such bad timing. how about in a couple of years when my loans are all paid off -how about i let go and trust then? why don't you let me finish up here, get things squared away, then i'll be ready to do whatever you say. but what is trust if you have nothing to worry about? what good is letting go if you're not holding on to anything? what kind of trust says now that i have a safe, soft place to fall, i'll let you catch me?

that's not trust. there's certainly nothing ruthless or dangerous about giving up plans that are already carried out to a tee. there's nothing scary about stepping into a dark room when you've made sure a light will go on as soon as you have a doubt. that's not even wimpy trust. and it definitely doesn't make for much of an adventure. i want more.

europe: bagpipes and guiness

[wednesday, february 11th]
lizzie and i got up early[ier] wednesday morning and made frenchtoast in honor of our departure. jayne dropped us off at the train station at about 11am and after lots of hugs, we said goodbye to our dear friend and headed back into the scary world. we got the train to edinburgh and found our hostel, brodies, along the royal mile, without hardly a glitch. it was a beautiful afternoon so we took our sandwiches and walked down to a park near the sir walter scott monument.


we played with the pigeons, admired the flowers' valiant efforts, and imagined the park a few months down the road with spring in full bloom. after lunch we went to the national gallery of scotland and walked through color-era coordinated rooms until they closed and we had to leave before making it to the impressionists. but we did see some rembrandt and van gogh on our way out! on our way to the hostel we got to hear some bag pipes and my "scary thing for the day" was posing close to the musician for a picture.


we got pasta at a grocery store for dinner and found jade (our third roommate from oxford who is going to grad school in aberdeen) waiting for us at the hostel when we got back. roommate reunion!


we had dinner and tea and talked around the table before going back out into the night for a "tour of hanted edinburgh," a la jade. (she'd gone on an actual tour only a few months before, so she remembered most of the stories and facts). a full moon looked down as jade led us through dark cemeteries where we saw hume's grave and ghost faces on gravestones, over "suicide bridge," and up hills past a replica of the roman parthenon (that isn't finished), and we were entertained and scared (but only a little) by stories of grave robberies, the black plague, and the ghosts inhabiting places like mary king's close.


after enough scaring for one night, we went back to the hostel for tea and much more conversation before bed that night.

[thursday, february 12th]
thursday morning dawned and we were greeted with -surprise -snow!! actually not really a surprise as snow followed us everywhere we went. not to be deterred, we bundled up and headed up the royal mile to edinburgh castle.


our labor was in vain though, as we found it closed due to the weather conditions. it was sad, but we determined to see some other sights and then check back with the castle later. we went to st. giles cathedral and stood in awe of yet another beautiful church (i keep wondering -what kind of places will we leave for future generations to admire?). after walking down the royal mile and back up again, we checked back at the castle and found it open -joy!


we sopped (literally) through the castle and saw st. mary's cathedral (the oldest part of the castle), the dog cemetery, the scottish crowned jewels, the dungeons, the prisoners of war quarters (where american pows were treated the worst, as they were assumed to be pirates), etc.


we had lunch at the castle tea rooms and even shared hot chocolate for a treat.


it was so much fun spending time with jade and walking around as the "threesome" we were at oxford.


we left the castle in the late afternoon and went back to the hostel to get our things and head for the train station (and jade to the bus station). after saying goodbye to jade we were just in time to get the 6pm train to glascow. we met my third cousin, donna clark and her husband at the glascow train station and they drove us through the stormy dark to their home right on the coast near the prestwick airport. the clarks are an amazing family with a huge 130 year old house they have been renovating. we were treated to delicious split pea soup (a homeschool home-ec project) and sandwiches and lovely hot showers and baths. once again we were spoiled by the hospitality of people we've never even met! anastasia, the 10 year old daughter, gave us her room for the night and we slept well, though not for long, only about 4 hours by the time we went to bed.

[friday, february 13th]
yep, friday the 13th! we made the most of it waking up at 4:30am to catch our super cheap (ryan air) 6:30am flights out of prestwick airport into dublin. the clarks were wonderful and made us bacon and toast for breakfast and sent us with sandwiches and cookies and apples for lunch -like i said -amazing hospitality. they left us at the airport running to catch our flight, but we got on without problem. we found ourselves in dublin before the tourist office opened, so we hung out in the lobby for awhile until we could buy bus passes to get into the city. we took the bus to a hostel only to find the prices they had advertised online were for male dorms only, (i'm not gonna lie, i felt like being a feminist) and since we weren't willing to pay more for the female dorms, we left in search of another hostel. we found avalon hostel and were glad we had continued our search as it was in the center of town, had free wireless, and had its own coffee shop! we made use of the coffee shop and wireless for the next several hours until we could get into our rooms at 2pm. at that point we were quite exhausted and couldn't imagine getting much out of walking around dublin, so we slept the afternoon away. that evening we went down to o'connel street, found a theatre, and saw "valkerie." we had seen it advertised since we started out in berlin, so we'd been wanting to see it for a long time. we had nutella sandwiches and carrots and hummus (surprise!) for dinner and went to bed pretty early, still exhausted from the early morning.

[saturday, february 14th]
we spent valentine's day roaming the streets of dublin along with all the other couples of the world. we started out with a guiness and a shot of jameson whiskey at temple bar. it was 1 o'clock and the famous bar was already crowded with people and live music. then we continued walking and went to trinity college where we saw the tail end of a football game (my team won) while eating our sandwiches. we thought about seeing the book of kells, but when we found out the display wasn't even the original, decided against it and admired it in gift shop book pictures, instead. we amused ourselves with oscar wilde quote books ("the only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself." so true.) and irish joke books (my favorite: secretary says to her boss, "mr. nobody is here to see you." boss says back, "tell him i can't see him." ha!) we left trinity college and got to st. stephen's gate just as they were closing it for the night, so we continued on. we stopped at marks and spencers on our way to the bus stop and scored on a chocolate fudge valentine's day cake. we got the bus to howth village, about 40 minutes from dublin, and walked a short bit to the home of marlene mccormick (the mother of a friend of a friend of my dad's -say that 10 times fast). she surprised us with dinner -fresh fish casserole. it was wonderful. we talked over chocolate cake and tea and planned out the next day before turning in for the night.

sunday, february 15th]
after breakfast sunday morning, marlene walked us down the coast to the howth sunday market at the pier. we admired jewelry, baked goods, vegetables, crafts, etc. and then spent a while reading on a bench out on the pier. when we were too cold to read anymore, we got the most delicious vegetable soup to share for lunch. for dessert we split a crepe, which should have been banana and nutella, but at the last second i ordered an interesting chocolate and marshmallow combination. it was good, but i'd go for banana and nutella any day. after lunch we got the bus back into dublin and continued our tour of the city with st. stephen's green. it was a beautiful sunday afternoon for a walk through the parks and we weren't the only ones who thought so. there were families and couples and friends strolling, feeding the ducks, and generally enjoying the sun. we did the same. at about 2:30pm we started walking in a round about way toward st. patrick's cathedral. we got there just in time for the afternoon service and got to enjoy the cathedral not only as a beautiful building, but as a place of worship (and by attending the service we bypassed the 6.50 entrance fee). after the service we took our time wandering through the cathedral and saw where jonathan swift (gulliver's travels) is buried. we left the cathedral and started out in the direction of the guiness brewery, without which our tour of dublin would not be complete, of course. along the way we passed by what we think were some of the famous "colored doors" of dublin. we didn't actually pay to go inside the guiness brewery, but we took a picture outside and called it good. we also found st. james gate and lizzie got her picture, though sadly she wasn't wearing her "st. james" shirt that day. we got the bus back to o'connel street and after saying goodbye to dublin, we got another bus back to howth. marlene made a lovely dinner that night and we even made it back in time to enjoy it with her. we were treated to bread pudding with fresh rhubarb -fabulous! -and after more tea, we went to bed for the last time in europe (for now) full and happy with the promise of a full irish breakfast in the morning.

[monday, february 16th]
marlene didn't disappoint -we enjoyed a full irish breakfast with all the fixins', including black pudding, on monday morning. we had packed up the night before, so we got our things together pretty quickly and were ready to head for the airport by 9:30am. before taking us to the airport, marlene took us up the cliffs at howth to see the spectacular ocean view. we took pictures and then she took us to howth castle (which has recently opened up as a culinary school) where there is a beautiful golf course and another great view of the ocean and coast line. it was gorgeous and green and lizzie and i decided again that we must come back to ireland to see more of the countryside and actually spend a decent amount of time there. marlene dropped us off at the airport in plenty of time for our flight and we said goodbye to her and the trip of a lifetime. we got on our flight for chicago at 2:30pm and spent the next hours watching movies and playing word games. we finished our books in the chicago airport, so we spent our connecting flight to seattle trying to sleep and failing miserably. thank God for sudoku! our parents were there to greet us at the bottom of the escalator in seattle and with our dads carrying our backpacks, we felt rather naked.

it's a bittersweet thing, coming back from a trip. it's wonderful to be home and we were more than ready to be done living out of a backpack for awhile, but it also meant driving off in opposite directions and waking up without the excitement of wondering what adventures will be had that day. but there are adventures at home, too -just normally not so exciting as backpacking across europe.

and with that, my europe journals are complete. thanks for reading along and joining in my adventures!

europe: new castles, walls, and lakes

[saturday, february 7th]
saturday rolled around and we were up and out earlier than we've been the whole trip -possibly. we got a train from york and then on to newcastle where we met jayne who had arrived in the UK only a few hours earlier. jayne's brother, gary, who had cancer all last year, had just died that previous week, so jayne had flown back from korea for the funeral and to be with her family. that evening we went to jayne's house and got to meet her parents, elizabeth and fred, who met every expectation of british hosts by serving us tea and cookies and calling us "pets." we spent the night at jayne's friend's house. eugene and sanet are a couple from south africa who have a lovely house and are some of the nicest, most hospitable people i've ever met. eugene is a fabulous cook who showed off his skilled by making us dinner each night we stayed at their home. that first night was jayne's pick -rack of lamb served with potatoes, broccoli, and mixed vegetables. amazing! we went to bed tired and happy.


[sunday, february 8th]
on sunday, after sanet made us a lovely breakfast of crumpets with butter and cheese, jayne took lizzie and i on a tour of the area. first we went to durham and walked around and saw the university and cathedral.


to our great surprise, we found ourselves at the venerable st. bede's burial site there in durham cathedral. lizzie about busted her britches with excitement and went so far as to take an illegal picture. we walked along the river in the sunshine and grew even more jealous of jayne as she told us about how, as an elementary student, she used to go on fieldtrips there to sketch the durham landscape.


after leaving durham jayne drove us by a school (that i can't remember the name of) which was the/one of the models for the hogwarts of harry potter. we drove up the coast and stopped at the small town of seahouses where we sat on benches down by the beach and made the seagulls jealous with the most amazing fish and chips (and batter bits).


our next stop was bamburgh castle, an incredible castle set right out on the rocks at the coast.


we couldn't go inside, as it's still in use as a residence, but we got up close and took lots of jumping photos.


we walked and ran and fell through the dunes near the beach and made our way down to the shore where lizzie collected limpet shells, jayne took pictures, and i frolicked about giving jayne reasons to take pictures.


by then it was late afternoon and we started the drive back to south shields. but we had to take a bit of a detour, since ever since lizzie had found out that jayne lived near hadrian's wall, we'd known we'd have to see it if we ever came to see jayne -and there we were! we finally found his wall surrounded by other "walls" trying to fool us, and took lots of pictures standing on the wall, doing jumping jacks on the wall, sleeping on the wall, modeling on the wall, etc. etc.


when we'd run out of ideas, we got back in the car and were on our way home. that night eugene made roast chicken and mini potatoes and brussels sprouts (only like my second time having them ever -yum!!). of course, it was amazing.

[monday, february 9th]
on monday (also the day of gary's (jayne's brother) funeral) morning lizzie and i took the train to the grand old town of york, where we saw ten thousand men, and marched up to the top of the wall and then marched down again. in between, we went to trinity church and found a wall lined with plaques remembering "elizabeths" and even an "elizabeth jane," this was our first clue that we belonged in york.


our second clue was a shop across the street -"amanda's."


after finding that all the interesting ethnic food restaurants were closed on mondays, we had lunch (actually breakfast for lizzie -her first full english breakfast of the trip) at a cute little cafe and went through a large pot of tea all by ourselves (ok, we did spill a bit of it). throughout the day we walked through roman ruins, the york minster, the shambles (oldest street in york), clifford's tower, the castle (which we're still not sure we actually found, but we did go in the gift shop), and a chocolate shop (we knew not to go back to the house after a funeral without chocolate).


we got a bit lost finding our way back to the train station, but nothing too exciting, and got back to sanet and eugene's around 7:30pm. eugene outdid himself again with a wonderful meal of ginger salmon and brocolli and potatoes. it was a bit of a down night, being the day of the funeral and all, and there were lots of tears and hugs and "magic chocolate" before the night was over.

[tuesday, february 10th]
the next morning, tuesday, we were up and at 'em early to meet jayne's mom, elizabeth (but for the sake of this post, i'll call her "jayne's mom." for those of you who don't know, jayne's first/real name is elizabeth, so i was the odd manda out with three elizabeths! i didn't have any problems, it was just lizzie, jayne, and elizabeth to me. but there were more than a few times "elizabeth" was put out there and everybody looked. poor them.). with jayne's mom's trusty england road map in hand, we set off for the lake district. it was a gorgeous day -all sun and blue sky.


elizabeth and i had the best seats in the house as we drove through the countryside with our fabulous tour guide -jayne's mom -pointing out bits of hadrian's wall, a clearing where robinhood was filmed, and teaching us all kinds of english/scottish history. (for example, kilts didn't come into use until the victorian era when the scots wanted to wear something special to greet queen victoria at her birthday, thus, they created the kilt! so mel gibson in a kilt in braveheart -false.) we ran into a few detours along the way, and of course had to stop for a bite to eat at a roadside pub, but eventually made it to windermere.


it's no surprise this beautiful area gave birth (in a sense) to the talents of william wordsworth and beatrix potter. i'm sure i saw peter rabbit and mrs. tiggy winkle peering from behind some bushes and it's no wonder my heart with pleasure filled as i danced with the daffodils. we walked beside the lake at windermere and i made friends (or tried to) with a swan on the beach, then walked up through the narrow streets of the lakeside town.


we had a lovely time and got back in the car boasting only one mishap involving a very muddy hillside and a very white coat (i'm not giving anything away if i say it was elizabeth).


everyone was pretty tired as we drove home and lizzie and i again had the best seats as we were able to lay back and black out for awhile. thanks for driving jayne! we got back late, had pizza for dinner with sanet and eugene, and mourned our last (this trip at least) wonderful night in newcastle.

europe: back in the UK

january 29th
thursday morning we got a bus to the beauvais airport and after a few minor delays, were thrilled to make our flight out of paris. we spent the afternoon at the airport in glascow before getting our flight to london (i highly recommend yates where buying cheap food will get you hours in their big comfy couches). we got into london stansted about 9:20pm and got the bus to finchley road where we met matt geirhart, a great guy with a big flat and a roommate away in switzerland. it was so nice to have this place to stay while we were in london!! we meant to go to bed right away, but the energy from our laptops was enough to keep us awake another few hours. ha.

january 30th
on friday we decided to hit up some museums. first was the national gallery where we took our time roaming through rooms of rembrandt, vermeer, da vinci, turner, and claude, then had to practically run through degas, cezanne, monet, manet, renoirt, van gogh, and picasso as the museum was about to closing. we could have spent quite a while longer there. then we moved on to the british museum and went through the roman and greek sculpture halls and the parthenon galleries (where, sadly, many people and horses are missing appendages which are still currently back in athens). amazing. we spent the last of our time in a special exhibit on "death and dying." intriguing to see a secular museum deal with so spiritual an issue. makes me realize you can't get around hoping there's more to life than here and now. on that note, i saw a london bus go by with these words blaring from the side: "there's probably no god. so stop worrying and live your life," ah. a blog on that might follow at some point.

january 31st
we had planned saturday to be our "london sights" day -westminster, st. pauls, big ben, covent gardens, trafalger square, etc. -but then matt (whose flat we were staying at) mentioned a market down the road in camden and we decided to walk by, our "walk by" turned into a day spent roaming through hundreds of stalls selling everything from elephant candle holders and flower/vine lamps to chinese dresses and vintage converse. i've never seen so many people at one market. lizzie found a gorgeous blue chinese birthday dress and i got a yellow hat to replace my lost green one -apparently yellow is the new green (among other things). that night we went to indian food with matt -a very nice place where you had to know which fork to use first. oh dear. i watched elizabeth and matt carefully and didn't make too big a fool of myself. that night i made cinnamon rolls for lizzie's b-day (feb. 1st), so that they were ready to pop in the oven the next morning.

february 1st
sunday morning dawned and all lizzie's dreams came true when she smelled the cinnamon rolls. actually i burnt the tops and though they were ok smothered in cream cheese frosting, i promised to make them again at home (where ovens cook evenly). at 11am we left to get the bus to oxford and were in one of our favorite places by 2pm. we oohed and awed over our first sights of oxford from the windows until we got to gloucester green and were allowed to step foot on that blessed soil. we went to sunday tea at crick (the house where we lived when we were there), were greeted by jonathan (our old junior dean), and jade (our third roommate) even joined us for a few minutes when jonathan found her on skype! we drank cup after cup of tea -"fat cows" for us -with sugar and milk. that evening jonathan made an amazing three course meal for us -i have an entire paragraph describing it in my journal, but i'll spare you for now. we hung out in the crick kitchen talking for hours -just like old times -had a snowball fight out in the street at about midnight, and walked back to our hostel through falling snow. it was wonderful to be back again and lizzie and i felt like we could fit right back in with hardly a glitch.

february 2nd
we spent monday roaming around oxford and visiting all our old haunts (most of which we couldn't go in because we're no longer students with ID cards). we had tea at frewin court with simon (who was there when we were), got a warm cookie at "ben's cookies," a sausage in the covered market, pasties at cornwall, saw the radcliffe camera, the bodleain, history and english faculty libraries, the alternate tuck shop, etc. etc. nothing much had changed. before leaving oxford met jonathan at blackwells (my favorite bookstore!) and chatted it up over mochas. at 4:30 we got our bus back to london and were back at matt's flat by 7pm. his roommate, josh, was stuck in geneva because of snow, so we got the bed another night. yay!

february 3rd
tuesday arrived and we stormed the castle -the tower of london, that is. jayne had bought us tickets for lizzie's birthday, (a surprise to lizzie) so we enjoyed a day spent on the snow covered grounds of the castle. after a photo with 2 beafeaters, we got a tour from the only female beafeater and learned about those held in the tower -sir thomas moore, anne and jane bolyn, lady jane grey, jane seymour, (a lot of women, it seemed) were among them. we marveled at the crown jewels (and rode the belt past them at least 5 times), walked along the tower walls, and stood in the very square where executions took place. that evening we met up with laura and gillian, friends we met in korea who are now living in london, for dinner. it was great to catch up with them, (and get our bangers and mash in at the same time). at 7pm we rushed to apollo victoria theatre for our scheduled entertainment -"wicked!" the musical tells the story of glynda (the good witch) and elzeba (the wicked witch of the west) in their pre "wizard of oz" days. it was a fabulous show full of funny lines, great choruses, and impressive dance steps. we enjoyed it to the fullest. after he show, since the night was still young at 11pm, we went over to kings cross station to get our train to hogwarts. there at platform 9 3/4 we pushed and pushed, but unfortunately the weasley family was not there to help us and we never got through. however, we got lots of great pictures in the process.

february 4th
wednesday morning we got up early ready to get an early start to cambridge. but because of snow, we were delayed at most every point. what should have taken 2 and a half hours ended up taking over 5 hours and we didn't get into cambridge until after 3pm. we quickly checked into our hostel and made the most of the little remaining daylight. we galavanted through the peterhouse college grounds, which were beautiful covered in snow. then we continued on and found kings college just in time for evensong. it was sweet to get to be there for a service -the chapel was gorgeous and we got to sit right behind the choir, so we would have known if they were off key at all -and believe me, they were not. we made dinner and a chocolate chocolate cake to share with our hostelmates, did laundry, and went to bed semi-early.

february 5th
thursday morning, after trying 3 different showers and finding them all cold, i gave up on being clean for the moment. we had our first full english breakfast at the hostel, and set out with full tummies. we got the train to wales, and due to more snow delays, didn't get to caernarfon (in north east wales) until 6pm. our hostel there was a very cute place just inside the city walls -a big house converted into a hostel by a family who now runs it. we drank lots of tea and watched our first movie of the trip there (it was VHS) -notting hill. quite appropriate as we had just been in london.

february 6th
we bundled up and set out for the castle (a 3 minute walk from our hostel!) friday morning. caernarfon castle was built in 1283 by edward I, and was one in a series of castles he built along the coast in snowdenia after he took over wales. caenarfron is the biggest and was intended to be the main castle. edward II was born in the eagle tower and was there crowned the first prince of wales. as it was a semi-dreary february day, we pretty much had the whole castle to ourselves. we took full advantage of this and romped about like little kids -climbing up all the towers and going through every hall and checking out every nook and cranny we came across. and of course, we played some hide and seek. seriously, this would be an amazing place to play sardines. we got lost a few times without even meaning to. my brothers, ben and soren and haddon would have a hay day there! we spent the rest of the day roaming the streets, drinking tea back at the hostel, and catching up on our journals with"mulan" playing in the background.

europe: swiss miss to ah pari

[written jan. 30th]

sunday, jan. 25th
we had a modest goal for switzerland -hot chocolate. so during our 40 minute break between trains in zurich, we quickly found a cafe and got to work. the hot chocolate wasn't like you normally get at starbucks or somewhere, but came with a glass of hot milk and a package of cocoa you stirred in yourself. it mixed in without a lump and was the smooth like syrup. we sat there in our window seat acting like we always paid 4.70 for gourmet hot chocolate during our train breaks. ha.

we got our train at 5pm and slept a bit, but mostly did sukoku until we got to milan about 7:30pm. so there we were sitting in the milan train station when 2 boys, about 16 or 17, came up and asked us for money. after a minute or so they finally left, and i turned around and something was not right. "elizabeth, where's my bag?" i asked in total disbelief. i was ready to laugh or cry at the empty spot where my bag had been right beside me, and since crying was too messy, i laughed. it was, and still is, the most ridiculous thing i've ever heard of. my GIGANTIC pack which weighs about 2.7 tons, had been sitting next to me on the bench, touching me -and it was gone, just like that. we were flabbergasted (i hardly ever get to use that word. fun.). We soon realized the boys were just a distraction while a third guy took my pack and hurried out of there. i walked all over in search of anything to do with it, but of course, found nothing. i filed a police report and lizzie and i raced to catch our train to milan, only to find out it would be 25 pounds to ride the night train to paris.

so there we were in the milan train station (my least favorite station in the world as i know it), just robbed and with nowhere to go. we sat on a bench, mad at the world ready to go home and just be done. after freezing for awhile, we found the waiting room which was a bit warmer and camped out on a piece of bench for the next 6 hours with our bags practically tied to us and lizzie's blanket snuggled around us. now we can relate to homeless people a little better.

monday, jan. 26th
6:40am finally came and we got the train the paris and spent the next 6 hours sleeping and trying to get good pictures of the alps out the window (more difficult than you might think). we got into paris at 2:20pm, got a baguette and free wifi at a street cafe (my first attempt at french failed miserably), and found our home for the next 3 days -the peace and love hostel. by that time it was too late to go out and we were exhausted, so we relaxed that evening and went to bed at 8:30pm.

tuesday, jan. 27th
we slept hard until 9:30am (that's 13 hours of sleep -wow) and showed up sparkling clean, our tummies filled with nutella sandwiches and yogurt, for a walking tour of paris at 11:30am. we walked all over the city -starting at st. michel's, going through notre dame cathedral , shakespeare and co. (bookstore where hemingway and james joyce hung out back in the day! if you buy a book there, they stamp it with "ground zero" because it's just across from notre dame where napoleon crowned himself, thereby the area became the center of the world, according to him). karen, our tour guide, took us all over and told tons of fun stories about the city and its history. we went by the louvre, the palais royale, the victory arch, a couple of churches (of which i can't remember the name), and much more. the tour ended at the big palace and the little palace (english translation, i can't remember the french names) where we learned that hitler had hated paris and when he thought he might lose the war, he sent one of his men to make sure it was destroyed before the allies got there. but this guy (deitrich ________) fell in love with the city and couldn't bear to see it destroyed so he lied to hitler and bought time until the allies came and freed the city. thank you deitrich -without you we may have missed out on beautiful paris. after the tour lizzie and i went off with 2 girls (ali from seattle and hillary from london, ontario, there were 5 of us from WA staying at the hostel!) to walk the beautiful boulevard toward the arc de triomphe. after seeing it up close and personal we went on to the eiffel tower and got there just in time to see it sparkle (which it only does on the hour at night)! it was gorgeous. we went up to the 3rd floor and were there to see it sparkle again -up close this time. it was magical. we headed back to the hostel after that and had pasta and went to bed early, again.

wednesday, jan. 28th
wednesday morning we went to the catacombs with ali and hillary. we climbed down down down and walked through hall after hall after hall of bones -just right there lining the walls. 6 million people were moved from various cemeteries around paris in the late 18th and early 19th centuries and buried there in the catacombs. it was quite an experience, one that i wouldn't want to do alone. afterwards we walked to sacre' coure (church of the sacred heart) which is built on the highest point in paris. after touring the beautiful church, we walked around in search of moulin rouge, which we knew was somewhere nearby. we passed many street artists and eccentric shops and eventually found what we were looking for -windmill and all. we went back to the hostel for a quick dinner (we've decided kitchens make the hostel) and lots of coffee in preparation for tackling the louvre. wednesday night is "cheap late night" (remember that for your trip) -just perfect for us. we started with a visit to ms. lisa, of course, then wandered through hall after hall admiring raphaels, botticellis, da vincis, etc. etc. we went through the roman sculpture rooms and had fun identifying all the greek myths we could and learning new hair styles inspired by the goddesses. i think our favorite was eros and psyche -a gorgeous limestone that stretches across with cupid holding psyche back against him, her hair falling on his knees. lizzie decided such an inspired work of art would be perfect for her future home's entryway. we continued through the european sculpture halls and were about to venture through a picasso exhibit when the clock ticked 9 and we were suddenly surrounded by herds of men and women in navy blue uniforms herding us out of the museum. we took the metro back to the hostel and feasted on carrots and peppers with hummus and baguette with fondue. yum! to break the pattern, this was a late night and we paid for it the next morning. goodbye paris!!

europe: disney to the alps

[written sunday, jan. 25th]

wednesday was a lovely day. we took the train to fussen, about 2 hours from munich, and the closest town to the ever famous neuschwanstein castle. this castle was built by ludwig ii in 18---and was designed to be what he thought a truly medieval castle should be -but it was never completed because he died unexpectedly (probably suicide). neuschwanstein is the model for disney's castle and is pretty much the romantic ideal i picture when i think of medieval castles. the castle sits high up in the mountains surrounded by trees and almost hidden from view until you arrive at the gates. white frosted trees, snow laden walks, and low foggy mists made the castle's gates, towers, and terraces even more idyllic. snow started falling on our way back from the castle and lizzie and i felt like we were in narnia as we made our way down the mountain. we got the train back to munich and went to bed early after readying for the next day in rothenburg.

after a rather interesting day of traveling (see my blog for more stories), we finally arrived in rothenburg early thursday evening. my parent's friend, lisa, has a cousin in bad windsheim who was wonderful enough to let us stay with him. james picked us up from the station at rothenburg and took us to his home where his wife and daughter had prepared a traditional german meal of pork roast, potato dumplings, and purple cabbage (like sourcraut). it was wonderful! the ripley family was great company (and they had an amazingly comfy guest bed christened "the princess bed.") the next day, barbara and jackie took us to rothenburg and we walked through blustery snow to the "christmas village" where they had thousands more ornaments in one place than i've ever seen in my life put together. we visited a church where they had a beautifully carved wood alter. then we walked through the snow down cute little streets and after getting cinnamon-sugar schneeballs, a traditional pastry, barbara dropped us off at the train station.

we got the train back to munich (much less trouble getting back than getting there) and then on to salzburg where we found our hostel (after only one wrong turn!). we were dead tired so we went straight to bed. the next morning we ate our nutella on bread and went out to see the sights and hear the sounds of salzburg. first we hiked up to the kapuziner monastery and got some great shots of the city. then we walked around down cute, narrow, winding streets, saw the glockenspiel, and found our way up to the hohensalzburg fortress. on our way down we tried opening some big metal gates thinking they would be locked, only to find ourselves in a crammed graveyard outside the church of st. sebastion. i love walking through graveyards (morbid, i know), so that was pretty sweet. we walked through beautiful squares, taking picture after picture, shared a huge bacon and cheese pretzel, and visited one of the most uniquely gorgeous churches i've ever seen (probably one of my top 3 favorite churches). we found the house where mozart was born and the home where he grew up (nearby across the river), promenaded through the schloss (palace) mirabell gardens (which are supposedly the most beautiful wedding venue in the world), and enjoyed one of my favorite things -crisp apple strudel -before making our may back to the hostel to spend the evening journaling, doing much needed laundry, and packing up to leave early the next morning.

the alarm went off at 7am and lizzie and i reluctantly crawled out of bed, loaded up our huge packs, and got to the station in time for the 8:30 train to zurich -which didn't exist. i don't know what i read, but we spent a lovely 2 hours in the station before catching the 10:30 train. i'm now writing this from that very train, where i'm looking out at the snow covered alps and the sounds of music are still running through my head.

travel happens. as much as we try to plan our time -how we are going to get from one place to the next, when we are going to leave, when we will arrive, where we will stay, etc. -it usually ends up happening quite differently than we expected. take today for instance.

we had planned to go to rothenburg and we knew it would be a bit more complicated than normal because it's a smaller town and a bit out of the way. so last night we looked up the train schedule, wrote down which connections we'd need with times and platform numbers, etc. and were all set. or so we thought. according to the schedule, we'd leave at 10:55am and get to rothenburg about 1:30pm. no problem, right?

after breakfast at our hostel (they had peanut butter and bananas -i was a happy happy camper!!), we set out to catch the 10:55 train to nurnburg. all well so far, we arrived in nurnburg and found our connecting train to ansbach right across at the next platform. we both commented on how much we like traveling by train -especially in germany where the system works like clockwork. maybe this is where we jinxed ourselves?

i don't know exactly how it happened, but we got off at the wrong stop -a random little town just minutes from where we should have gotten off. after looking at train schedule postings and getting very confused, we realized our mistake and sat down (outside in the cold because little towns apparently don't keep their stations open on thursday afternoons) to wait for the next train. the train came along after a bit, and we got up ready to get on, only to be confused by the signs in the window which looked like it was going right back to where we came from, which we definitely didn't want. we paused for like 2 seconds (literally) to think this over, and as soon as we realized we did indeed want this train, the doors were closing and there was no getting on.

so we sat back down, determining to get on the next train no matter what. a while later, the train pulled in and we were inside before your mom could go to college. (which is not very long). we rode along until we came to ansbach, which is where we'd wanted to be in the first place. at ansbach, we looked up our next stop in a computer, found the time and platform, and were there in mere seconds only to realize the train was just leaving and it didn't seem to be the train we wanted. so we went inside to wait for the next train which was scheduled for an hour later.

after an hour, we went to wait at the platform where we met a guy who asked if we needed help, and informed us that there were "no trains" to rothenburg. oh. he said we'd have to take a bus, so we went out to the bus station to check things out. we found a stop for rothenburg, attempted to read the time table, and sat down (outside in the freezing cold) to wait for the 3:45 bus. you should know that doing sudoku with mittens on is hard work. 3:45 rolled around, there was no bus. 3:50 came, and still no bus. when it was 3:55, we decided we'd read the schedule wrong and went inside to ask someone. at information, i was again told there were indeed "no trains" to rothenburg. right. so we found some seats inside the station where it was semi-warmer, sat down to wait for the next train, and continued our sudoku fest.

at 4:40, we were standing out at the bus stop, hoping hoping hoping that a bus would show up as we were supposed to meet people in rothenburg at 6pm. lo and behold -a bus rolled up at 4:50 and we were overjoyed to see "rothenburg" across the front. 70 minutes later we were craning our heads out the windows of the bus and squinting to read signs in the dark so we could figure out where we are. after much frustration at lack of lights, we found out we were in rothenburg and decided to get off at the next stop. it was 6:05 when the bus pulled up at the rothenburg station (and we saw a train just leaving for the station we took the bus from...what??!) we hurried outside and looked around for james, who was supposed to meet us at 6pm. after a few minutes we found him and he was super nice about us being late, and very understanding about the trains. it turned out he works in ansbach where we just spent the last 3 hours of our lives, and had to drive out of his way to pick us up in rothenburg. isn't it ironic? (a little too ironic, i really do think).

so what was going to be a 2 hour morning/early afternoon train ride and then day spent in rothenburg turned out to be 2 hours on the train, 3 hours waiting at train stations, and another hour on the bus. good times.

like i said, travel happens. you scheme and plan, but half the time all you can do is cross your fingers and hope you get there within the month. i'm not good at that -i like to know. but i also like to travel -and this is what traveling is -it just happens.

europe: munich beginnings

update from munich: we thought we were going to have internet at our hostel, but when we got here 2 nights ago, the wireless wouldn't connect because we use firefox. ha. anyway, we just tried it again this morning, and lo and behold, it works!! so we've been in munich for 2 nights now. we went on a city tour yesterday and walked all over in the pouring rain-trying-to-be-snow-but-was-mostly-slush. lovely. today looks about the same. we're planning on taking the train to neuschwanstein castle today, then we'll be back here for the night. look on facebook for pictures, coming soon!

europe: vienna

greetings from munich. well actually i'm writing this on the train from salzburg, but by the time i send it i'll be in munich. unfortunately, they don't have internet on trains yet, but that's probably next.

it's been a few days since i wrote, and lots and lots has happened since then. lizzie and i spent two days in krakow, poland (i've been trying and trying to pronounce it correctly, but i can't get it) this last thursday and friday (i won't tell you how long it just took me to figure out what days those were). on thursday we walked all over the city and saw wawel castle, st. mary's basilica, and the old town square (which reminded us a lot of st. marcs square in venice). it's a beautiful city.

then on friday we visited an anything-but-beautiful place -auschwitz-birkenhau. this was the largest concentration camp run by the nazis during ww2 and is about an hour and a half from krakow. birkenhau was the main camp where thousands of polish, hungarian, austrian, german, czech, etc. jews were sent to be dealt with. it was quite a sobering experience -seeing the barracks, work places, gas chambers and crematoriums where literally millions of lives were destroyed. one really interesting thing (that i hadn't seen at dachau) was a section of the museum telling the stories of local polish families who were dedicated to helping camp victims in any way they could. one older couple even adopted a 5 year old boy whom they were able to rescue from the camp. i was reminded that there are light and hope even in the darkest of places.

on friday night we took a night train (our first this trip!) to vienna (wien, as they say). two girls who were also backpacking were so nice as to wake us up in the middle of the night to tell us we needed to switch trains, and we found ourselves in the lovely, very cold city of vienna at 6:15 saturday morning. we spent the day seeing the sights (trying to stay warm AND see the city by riding trams all over and later sitting in starbucks as long as our shared latte would let us). vienna is gorgeous and i felt the need to be a bit more posh in order to fit in, but that's ok.

late saturday afternoon we took the train to graz where my grandma has friends who were so wonderful as to have us over. the koidl family home was everything two wanderers could have dreamed of -great company, delicious food (we had schnitzel twice!!), a warm bed, etc. etc. etc. we went to church with the family on sunday (the english translation service was most excellent and they sang "i'm trading my sorrows" in english! lizzie and i have both decided we want to learn german and worship songs seem to be a great way to start) that afternoon, elizabeth (mrs. koidl) gave us a tour of graz. a beautiful city that has a seems to have found the balance between traditional and modern. we played games with the family that night (a highlight for lizzie and me) and and stayed up too late drinking tea. it was a wonderful time.

we were up early this morning (monday), and georg (mr. koidl) took us to the station where we got the train back to vienna. today was not nearly so cold, so we had a much better time galavanting around the city. we went to the belvedere palace, karlschiche (st. charles church) and schonburnn palace (where we were very excited to see the labyrinth, but found it's closed nov. - march! one of the downfalls of traveling during the low season). we were very impressed with the palace grounds and decided we need to watch pride and prejudice again asap.

we had planned on catching a train straight to munich from vienna, but after several little frustrating events added up into missing our train, we ended up catching a different train to salzburg and getting on a train to munich from there. having eurrail passes is nicer than ever when things don't go as planned -which they often don't -you just make some adjustments and wallah! all is good again.

i'm constantly reminded of God's hand holding us every step of the way...people who've never met us before treating us like family, train times working out in spite of spoiled plans, warm train cars to sleep in, etc. etc. thank you so much for your prayers -it's so wonderful to know we're loved even far away. coming next -munich. maybe i'll figure out why it sounds like munchkin in german (munchen) and if there's any correlation to the popular term of endearment. =) danka shu und al vede zaine!

europe: krakow edition

here's the next part of our adventure. first of all, we're safely in krakow, poland. we're staying at a hostel where we accidentally booked only tomorrow night instead of tonight, because we were off a day in our dates. oops. fortunately they had space available and we are able to stay here despite our confused traveling dates.

some of you already know, but we got another surprise this morning. yesterday when elizabeth's purse was stolen, i had immediately gone through my stuff to check if anything of mine had been lost. i had thought i found the envelope with half of my money in it (i had my money split up in two places, this was one of them), and thought i was only missing my camera. but this morning i realized my money was gone as well. so the guy made off with both of our money and both our cameras, along with elizabeth's passport, credit cards, ipod, etc. anyway, that was a bit of a shock. at that point we were ready to call our trip off and come home, but we got on the train to poland as planned, just taking one thing at a time.

while on the train, we were both stressing out, of course...trying to figure out what in the world to do. both of us are planners and worriers, so we decided to write numbers/dates/etc. out and see what we could figure out. we ended up coming up with a budget (made up of other half of my money which we still have). we figured out that we can do the next 17 days through to paris, using our 15 day eurrail passes, with a budget of 45 euros a day (for both of us). it seems very doable. we were just looking at some exchange rates online, and it looks like we might have even more than that if the euro/won/dollar exchange rate is as good as google says it is (which seems to differ when we go to money exchange places, ha).

when i got online tonight, i literally had dozens of emails from family/friends/people i don't even know from all over europe offering to help us in any way they could. it's amazing and overwhelming. so no matter what happens, God is here and somehow we're seeing Him more now that our plans are not going according to schedule. funny how that happens.

oh, good news!! we got up at 6:30 this morning and were at the US embassy by 8:30 to get lizzie an emergency passport. everything was fine (excpet we had to go get new passport photos since the ones we had done were .2 cm. too small, ha). so elizabeth has a passport and we could leave prague! yay!

for now, we're in krakow tonight and tomorrow and then we'll take a night train (cutting down on lodging costs!) to vienna on the 17th. then we'll see from there.

more updates to come as they happen....thank you all so much for your prayers and offers to help, etc. you are amazing and we've been blessed.

the europe chronicles -prague 3, poorer and wiser

so, as you've heard, we had a bit of a mishap here in prague this morning with elizabeth's purse (with passport, 1000 euros, credit cards, camera, ipod, etc.) being stolen. we spent the day going to police stations, getting sent to other police stations, finding the US embassy only to find it closed, hanging out in a police station waiting room for hours along with everyone else who got mugged in prague today. it was a bit of a damper day, compared to what we were planning on doing -exploring the jewish quarter. but plans change. at this point, we're planning on going on with the trip, we'll just have half the budget we planned on. so we'll see how that goes. our biggest worries are paris and london and the rest of england where it will be more expensive for lodging. other than that, we'll cut out more expensive tours and live on oatmeal and spaghetti. ha. thank you for your prayers! lots of reminders that we are not the ones in control...and life goes on without pictures of prague (both our cameras were stolen and we hadn't downloaded the pics off them yet).

the europe chronicles -prague 2, mishap

elizabeth's purse was just stolen out of our hostel room. a guy came in late last night (after we were asleep) and slept in the bunk down from us. he was still asleep this morning. elizabeth and i and the other girls staying here were in and out of the room this morning, while he continued to sleep. then we went across the hall to the kitchen to eat breakfast, came back a couple minutes later and he was gone and her purse was gone. we searched the room and it's not anywhere. i went down to the street to check just in case, but didn't see anything. we talked to the lady in the office and she has no record of anyone checking in last night or leaving this morning. she told us where the police station and us embassy are, and we're going to go make a report, but i doubt there's much they can do. i have a copy of elizabeth's passport, but that's all. please pray for us..jayne (who is online) just got ahold of elizabeth's dad and he's going to cancel her credit cards, etc. there was over 1000 euros in lizzie's purse, all our money for until we got to england. i have quite a bit of won, but all her money is gone. we were planning on going to krakow tomorrow, but we'll see how things work out.

the europe chronicles -prague 1

i should know how to say "hello" in czech by now, but i'm not that good. i'll listen more closely tomorrow. so we're here in prague. today we slept in (didn't go to sleep till late last night since we had slept on the train coming from berlin). we ate oatmeal and granola bars for breakfast and then set out, maps in hand, for old town square. it wasn't far from our hostel, which was really nice. all of prague that i've seen so far is beautiful -but the old part of town is gorgeous with all its ornate buildings and cobblestone streets. we saw the astronomical clock and tyn church (which was closed today, so we'll have to go tomorrow), we walked through the old square market, and took picture after picture. we walked across the charles bridge and up steep, narrow streets to prague castle. we got there about an hour and a half before they closed, so we just did the short tour of the castle. we went through vitis cathedral (from the 1300's, where st. wenceslas is buried) and st. george's basilica, and walked down golden lane (where all the goldsmiths who worked for the king were at), and went in a tortue tower (ahhhh!). we probably could have spent a bit more time with our audio guides, but we felt good about it. it's FREEZING here!!! that's not understated at all. elizabeth and i wore lots of layers and wrapped our scarfs around our faces and wore big hats and gloves and it was still the coldest we've ever been. but we were outside all day, so that doesn't make things easier. we walked quickly and tried to stay distracted by the sights. we got back to our hostel about 5:30, made tea to help us thaw out, laid down to rest for a minute, and then ended up sleeping for nearly 3 hours. guess we were tired. we went out at about 8 and found stuff for spaghetti at a nearby mini-market...made dinner...planned out some budgeting stuff...and now we're about ready for bed. i'm so thankful for a place to sleep where it's nice and warm! this hostel is perfect for what we need -all the basics, a kitchen, and cheap!

the europe chronicles -berlin

guess where we went last night!! jayne told us she had a surprise for us and didn't tell us what it was until we were standing across the street -she took us to see the nutcracker ballet at the state opera house here in berlin!! it was amazing. i kept thinking katie and carrie would be so jealous. the opera house was gorgeous and they did the entire ballet, of course...probably nearly 3 hours. the story was a little different though -began with a flaskback to marie (clara) being kidnapped during the revolution. then she is adopted and during the rest of the play she is the kind of "shunned" sister. anyway, i'll have to look up the story and actually read it in english. jayne translated the german from the program.

today we walked all over...mostly east berlin. we went to the reichstag building (old parlamont), and then we were really cold from walking around, so we went to starbucks and hung out for a good little while and got all warmed up. that was like perfect. then we braced ourselves and went back out and jayne took us to a bunch of cool places. we went to the holocaust memorial which is about the size of a block and covered with grave shaped stones of all different heights. (we very inappropriately decided it would be the perfect place to play hide and seek). then we walked through "the topography of terror" which is the longest preserved portion of the berlin wall. very cool to actually see. then we walked around through beautiful squares (platzes) and eventually came to "checkpoint charlie" which is where the allies made set up camp. (my information is probably not all there, and i don't have time to really elaborate, so give me) lots of grace =)).

now we're back at the hostel in the warm and we're thinking about eating, i think. the hostel is super nice and we have a 4 bed room in which we are the only three, as of now. last night i got to sleep on a super high bunk bed. that was exciting. i'm quickly using my precious internet time, so i'm going to get off and save some for later.

but we're here and it's wonderful. jayne will be with us until sunday, then we'll be on our own. kind of scary. but it will be a grand adventure, i'm sure.

elizabeth, jayne and i went to the jewish museum in berlin today, and all i can say is you need to go. i can't give any justice to a description of the museum -what it looked like -all i can do is try and tell you how it felt. the museum is housed in a grey squarish building with jagged slits placed randomly on all sides. my first impression was a building that had been cut apart, mangled, burned, left for dead -then later found, piece by piece, and put back together. the parts belong, but they don't fit the way they should. the sight is eerie and uneasy, appropriately.

you walk in on the first floor and are instantly struck with the feeling that things aren't right -and they aren't. the floors are sloped, the walls are dead white, the hallways jag out at uneven points, and there is nothing giving order to the way you should go. there are three hallways -the axle of exile and the axle of continuity run parallel and then the axle of the holocaust cuts through them with no regard for either. it was disorienting, confusing, uncomfortable, scary, and anything but numb. i kept looking behind me and searching for elizabeth and jayne because i felt like i was lost and i needed constant reassurance that i was not alone.

the only things on the white walls are black windows telling stories of men, women, and children affected by the holocaust. parents who sent their children to countries ahead of them, planning to join them soon, only to be arrested before they could leave germany. husbands and fathers taken before they could help their families to safety. postcards from mothers in concentration camps assuring their children not to worry -things are not as bad as they seem. letters urging friends and family to "keep your chin up," "God is near."

at one end of the axle of the holocaust is the holocaust tower. it's a huge stone cave type tower with only a slash in the top that lets in the tiniest bit of light. the first time i walked in the huge metal door, i turned around and walked right back out. there was no one else in the room, and i was literally blasted with the darkness, the cold, the vast emptiness and yet almost solid mass of despair. i couldn't do it. and victims of the holocaust couldn't either -but they had no choice. it's something no one should ever experience -it's the epitome of loneliness and the opposite of how humans are made to thrive. i went in again later with jayne and elizabeth, but still couldn't handle it for more than a few seconds. it was so real.

when leaving the first floor, the stairs stretch on and on and continue into the wall at the top. leading nowhere. the next floors documented jewish history from day one to the present, it was beautifully done, well arranged, and full of information, but the first floor is what makes it real. i can't describe it, -i felt so helpless and small. and yet it made me more resolved to live in a way that demonstrates the immense respect and love i believe each person deserves and is created to experience.

the world is not right. it's not right at all. i'm reminded of this daily -when i see a homeless person on the street or a parent screaming at an obstinate child on the subway. sometimes i wonder if it's good to be so aware -if a passive optimism isn't just as effective or even better than a deep sorrow at what i see behind pasted smiles. at this point, i can't go back, so i have no choice. but what i do have is a hope that dives down deeper each time i see joy behind tears.

a few resolutions for the new year:

-do something scary/uncomfortable everyday
-say "i love you" more
-hug more
-floss
-write/talk to God everyday
-read at least one "literary classic" per month
-learn one piano piece a month
-study a language -either french or german
-study for and take the GRE
-write a "real" letter once a week

that's enough, i think. even if i don't carry them out to a tee, it's more a matter of being aware of where i'm coming from and where i'm going. here's to 2009!!