the europe chronicles -prague 1

i should know how to say "hello" in czech by now, but i'm not that good. i'll listen more closely tomorrow. so we're here in prague. today we slept in (didn't go to sleep till late last night since we had slept on the train coming from berlin). we ate oatmeal and granola bars for breakfast and then set out, maps in hand, for old town square. it wasn't far from our hostel, which was really nice. all of prague that i've seen so far is beautiful -but the old part of town is gorgeous with all its ornate buildings and cobblestone streets. we saw the astronomical clock and tyn church (which was closed today, so we'll have to go tomorrow), we walked through the old square market, and took picture after picture. we walked across the charles bridge and up steep, narrow streets to prague castle. we got there about an hour and a half before they closed, so we just did the short tour of the castle. we went through vitis cathedral (from the 1300's, where st. wenceslas is buried) and st. george's basilica, and walked down golden lane (where all the goldsmiths who worked for the king were at), and went in a tortue tower (ahhhh!). we probably could have spent a bit more time with our audio guides, but we felt good about it. it's FREEZING here!!! that's not understated at all. elizabeth and i wore lots of layers and wrapped our scarfs around our faces and wore big hats and gloves and it was still the coldest we've ever been. but we were outside all day, so that doesn't make things easier. we walked quickly and tried to stay distracted by the sights. we got back to our hostel about 5:30, made tea to help us thaw out, laid down to rest for a minute, and then ended up sleeping for nearly 3 hours. guess we were tired. we went out at about 8 and found stuff for spaghetti at a nearby mini-market...made dinner...planned out some budgeting stuff...and now we're about ready for bed. i'm so thankful for a place to sleep where it's nice and warm! this hostel is perfect for what we need -all the basics, a kitchen, and cheap!

the europe chronicles -berlin

guess where we went last night!! jayne told us she had a surprise for us and didn't tell us what it was until we were standing across the street -she took us to see the nutcracker ballet at the state opera house here in berlin!! it was amazing. i kept thinking katie and carrie would be so jealous. the opera house was gorgeous and they did the entire ballet, of course...probably nearly 3 hours. the story was a little different though -began with a flaskback to marie (clara) being kidnapped during the revolution. then she is adopted and during the rest of the play she is the kind of "shunned" sister. anyway, i'll have to look up the story and actually read it in english. jayne translated the german from the program.

today we walked all over...mostly east berlin. we went to the reichstag building (old parlamont), and then we were really cold from walking around, so we went to starbucks and hung out for a good little while and got all warmed up. that was like perfect. then we braced ourselves and went back out and jayne took us to a bunch of cool places. we went to the holocaust memorial which is about the size of a block and covered with grave shaped stones of all different heights. (we very inappropriately decided it would be the perfect place to play hide and seek). then we walked through "the topography of terror" which is the longest preserved portion of the berlin wall. very cool to actually see. then we walked around through beautiful squares (platzes) and eventually came to "checkpoint charlie" which is where the allies made set up camp. (my information is probably not all there, and i don't have time to really elaborate, so give me) lots of grace =)).

now we're back at the hostel in the warm and we're thinking about eating, i think. the hostel is super nice and we have a 4 bed room in which we are the only three, as of now. last night i got to sleep on a super high bunk bed. that was exciting. i'm quickly using my precious internet time, so i'm going to get off and save some for later.

but we're here and it's wonderful. jayne will be with us until sunday, then we'll be on our own. kind of scary. but it will be a grand adventure, i'm sure.

elizabeth, jayne and i went to the jewish museum in berlin today, and all i can say is you need to go. i can't give any justice to a description of the museum -what it looked like -all i can do is try and tell you how it felt. the museum is housed in a grey squarish building with jagged slits placed randomly on all sides. my first impression was a building that had been cut apart, mangled, burned, left for dead -then later found, piece by piece, and put back together. the parts belong, but they don't fit the way they should. the sight is eerie and uneasy, appropriately.

you walk in on the first floor and are instantly struck with the feeling that things aren't right -and they aren't. the floors are sloped, the walls are dead white, the hallways jag out at uneven points, and there is nothing giving order to the way you should go. there are three hallways -the axle of exile and the axle of continuity run parallel and then the axle of the holocaust cuts through them with no regard for either. it was disorienting, confusing, uncomfortable, scary, and anything but numb. i kept looking behind me and searching for elizabeth and jayne because i felt like i was lost and i needed constant reassurance that i was not alone.

the only things on the white walls are black windows telling stories of men, women, and children affected by the holocaust. parents who sent their children to countries ahead of them, planning to join them soon, only to be arrested before they could leave germany. husbands and fathers taken before they could help their families to safety. postcards from mothers in concentration camps assuring their children not to worry -things are not as bad as they seem. letters urging friends and family to "keep your chin up," "God is near."

at one end of the axle of the holocaust is the holocaust tower. it's a huge stone cave type tower with only a slash in the top that lets in the tiniest bit of light. the first time i walked in the huge metal door, i turned around and walked right back out. there was no one else in the room, and i was literally blasted with the darkness, the cold, the vast emptiness and yet almost solid mass of despair. i couldn't do it. and victims of the holocaust couldn't either -but they had no choice. it's something no one should ever experience -it's the epitome of loneliness and the opposite of how humans are made to thrive. i went in again later with jayne and elizabeth, but still couldn't handle it for more than a few seconds. it was so real.

when leaving the first floor, the stairs stretch on and on and continue into the wall at the top. leading nowhere. the next floors documented jewish history from day one to the present, it was beautifully done, well arranged, and full of information, but the first floor is what makes it real. i can't describe it, -i felt so helpless and small. and yet it made me more resolved to live in a way that demonstrates the immense respect and love i believe each person deserves and is created to experience.

the world is not right. it's not right at all. i'm reminded of this daily -when i see a homeless person on the street or a parent screaming at an obstinate child on the subway. sometimes i wonder if it's good to be so aware -if a passive optimism isn't just as effective or even better than a deep sorrow at what i see behind pasted smiles. at this point, i can't go back, so i have no choice. but what i do have is a hope that dives down deeper each time i see joy behind tears.

a few resolutions for the new year:

-do something scary/uncomfortable everyday
-say "i love you" more
-hug more
-floss
-write/talk to God everyday
-read at least one "literary classic" per month
-learn one piano piece a month
-study a language -either french or german
-study for and take the GRE
-write a "real" letter once a week

that's enough, i think. even if i don't carry them out to a tee, it's more a matter of being aware of where i'm coming from and where i'm going. here's to 2009!!

you know those kernels of corn that are left at the bottom of the popcorn popper after all the rest have popped? those 7 kernels that swirl around and around and around and are still circling aimlessly hours after the other 335 have jumped from the popper and made their home in the bowl awaiting outside? i've always felt sorry for them. i remember watching them spin as a kid, always hoping that one more would make it out before dad flipped the switch. i still leave the popper on minutes after i know it's a hopeless case, wishing to be proven wrong by that "POP" of one more kernel.

i mean, who wants to remain a tiny brown kernel when they could turn into beautiful white fluffiness? i don't know firsthand, since i've never been or even talked to a popcorn kernel, but i'm pretty sure that sitting at the bottom of a popper time after time until someone decides to empty it into the garbage isn't every popcorn kernel's dream. when it is finally their turn to leave the mound of other kernels to actually enter the popper, i imagine they expect great things. and after making it in, they spin with everyone else -as fast as they can, waiting for the second they will make their great jump into the bowl. how disappointing it must be for those who never make it?? they must feel like something's wrong with them. that they didn't try hard enough. that their chance to shine (in this case, pop) is gone.

ok, i think i've taken this far enough. now you know the thoughts that wander through my head while i'm making a snack to go with my movie. until next time's deep thoughts involving food -i'm signing out.

don't surrender your loneliness
so quickly.
let it cut more deep.

let it ferment and season you
as few human
or divine ingredients can.

something missing in my heart tonight
has made my eyes so soft,
my voice
so tender,

my need of God
absolutely
clear.

(shams-al-din hafiz, 12th c. persian poet)

there is much missing from my heart these days. elizabeth's hugs. jayne's faces. lucia's singing. mcdonalds in the morning on the way to an adventure. elizabeth tickling me. dancing with penguin class. singing "bye bye see you tomorrow." reading on elizabeth's bed. asking, "what day is it today?" dinner and cards at jayne's flat. elizabeth's voice. movies on don't go. jayne's cuddles. catch phrase. peanut butter cookies. ediya coffee on fridays. etc. etc.

there is also much that helps to fill in those holes. dutch blitz with my sisters. cribbage with rach. soren's singing. reading books to haddon. meeting nate's girlfriend. mom's amazing cooking. dad's insights. uno with ben. editing kaleb's papers. "hammock talks" with rach. singing and cuddling with my sisters. piano playing. my own bed. vanilla lattes with poppa chuck. rock band with the girls. etc. etc.

but the holes are still there. i sit here on my comfy bed in a house full of love and warmth and still miss the hard beds and heated floors of korea. i don't enjoy loneliness. but i want to be soft, tender, deep, in my need for God and people. toward that end, perhaps i'm in a good place. right now it feels a bit like i'm putting on band aid after band aid in vain trying to stop gushing blood. i know the holes will eventually get smaller. and smaller. but here's the thing -part of me doesn't want them to. what do i do with that?

i don't do goodbyes. i just don't. i think one thing that really points to there being more besides this life here and now, is how temporary things in this world are, and how eternal we as humans are built. we're not made to say goodbye. it's not a natural thing. we crave stability and permanence and security and routine (elizabeth keeps throwing them out and they're right on the money, so i'm putting them down). we also crave adventure and change at times, but i think these are more fleeting pursuits and after chasing them for awhile, we revert back to the longing for stability. in a perfect world, there would be no goodbyes. but i hate to break it to you, this is not a perfect world. and goodbyes come with the territory -that doesn't mean i like them though. every bone in my body screams at me that this is not fair! this is not the way it's supposed to be. and it's true, it's not. i don't do goodbyes.

(i don't think this thought process is finished, but i'm done for now).