my mom is coming today! no, i don't think you understand -my MOM is coming TODAY! as in only a few more hours!! if you know what this feels like, you're dancing around the room right now. yeah, it's ok, i didn't expect you to know. =)

"she will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. then she will say, "i will go back to my husband as at first, for then i was better off than now." (hosea 2:7)

"come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but He will heal us; He has injured us but He will bind up our wounds." (hosea 6:1)

say you're a seventeen year old girl who falls in love with the perfect guy. he's kind, funny, good looking, and he loves you more than anything. you're soon engaged and the summer after you graduate high school, you marry him. he's wonderful -all you could have hoped for and more. however, after a few months of marital bliss, you catch him snoring while you're sharing your heart late at night...he no longer kisses you before leaving for work...and he doesn't open the car door for you anymore. at first, you figure it must be normal and you don't worry about it. you act as happy as ever. but as the months go by, you begin to wonder if he would even notice if you weren't there when he got home from work one day. you begin to wonder if he would even miss you if you left. after much arguing and debating with yourself, you act against your better judgment and pack your suitcase and run away. but you don't run that far -only to the next town where you have a sister with a spare bedroom. he doesn't come after you. after a week, you run a little further -to a town where an old friend has an empty couch. he still doesn't come. after a few more weeks, you go even further to a city where you get a hotel room and a temp. job at a restaurant. no sign of him. finally, you move on to the big city where you rent an apartment and get a job as a secretary. several months later, you're still looking for him to pull up in front of your apartment. you're still checking the mailbox for a letter with his handwriting. nothing. you give up. ok, you'll be the one to go back. you'll admit all your mistakes, make everything right again. but were things ever actually right? no matter, someone has to make the first move. you drive and drive until you come to the house where he is out sitting on the front porch. you get your suitcase and walk slowly up the walkway.

"i'm sorry ron. but i'm back now."

"oh, were you gone?"

do you walk in, up the stairs, and unpack your suitcase? do you stay because you love this man? do you stay because you have nowhere else to go? or do you turn around and get back in your car, not knowing where you'll go, but sure that anything is better than his apathy?


sometimes you need someone to care enough to get mad -to shout at you, say you made him worry -be anything but apathetic. passion, even if it's angry, is feeling. and feeling is sometimes as close to real as we get.

love is not convenient. it's not supposed to be -in fact, i'm becoming convinced that real love is all about inconvenience.

more on this to come later.

a little while ago i decided i needed to bake something (sometimes i feel the need to "make" something...to use my hands rather than my head), so i asked elizabeth what i should make. i knew what she was going to say -and i was right -peanut butter cookies. more specifically, peanut butter cookies minis the eggs. so i mixed up the dough in a plastic bowl with a metal fork, plopped little balls onto the small pan, popped them in the toaster oven and turned the timer to 7 minutes. then i grabbed my book and sat down at my little kitchen table where i couldn't miss the aroma wafting from the oven. this worked great the first time -my nose told me the cookies were about done and sure enough, they were golden brown, then 2 seconds later the timer dinged. wallah! the second time, however, anne lamott apparently had not only my eyes wrapped up in her words, but my nose as well. i forgot to set the timer and by the time i thought about the cookies, there was smoke finding a way out from the rear of the oven. when i opened the oven door, it streamed out and fogged up my glasses so i couldn't see the very black blobs on the cookie sheet till several seconds later.

normally, i would be a bit put out by this. granted, i always burn cookies -it's a trademark of mine. but this didn't have to happen! 3 perfectly good cookies, gone to the drain (literally since cookies all but dissolve in water and it's much easier to dispose of them that way than put them in the special little green food waste bags we have to use here in seoul). anyway, i'd normally chide myself for being so careless and use my middle name for effect. however, my first thought was how funny the smoke had looked coming out from the oven and how i had to tell lizzie about it. so i did, and she laughed, and i did, too.

sometimes all you need is a friend. someone to be there -to be there no matter how important or trivial the occasion is, to listen no matter how life-changing or stupid the idea is, to hug you no matter how much it hurts or sparkles. a friend makes all the difference in the world. when lizzie and i are out adventuring around the city together, i never worry about getting lost or catching the wrong subway line -because as long as we're together, we'll be fine. in fact, as long as we're together, we'll have fun while we're at it.

i've always known that i need people -that people make or break my world. but i never knew how basic this need in my life is -without elizabeth, my world feels dark. (but elizabeth is always there, so i don't actually fully know what that feels like). with elizabeth, my world is light. of course, it's not quite that black and white. there are many people at home who make my world and without God and my family and friends, there would be no world to get dark or light. but at this moment, during this time in korea, elizabeth is literally the one keeping me together. it's crazy to think that one person can completely make or break me. my (almost) 6 months here have been amazing because of her...not because i love korea or i love my kids or i love kimchi. (though i do actually love my kids).

it makes me realize that no matter what i end up doing in the coming years, it's going to be about the people i'm with. i had no idea this year would be all about a friendship rather than a country or a job. people are who we relate to -and what are experiences without people to share them with? my experiences here -whether it's burning cookies, getting trapped on the subway, walking to school in the morning, or visiting a van gogh exbibit -would mean nothing if elizabeth wasn't here to laugh, cry, smile, etc. with me during them. but because she's here, they are incredible. God gives us people to share our lives with and it's truly one of the most beautiful things i know.

change -i hate you. hate is a very strong word, and i hardly ever use it, but in this case, you deserve it. i hate it that you make me change -but even more so, i hate myself for being changeable. it feels so non-committal and insincere. how can i be so set, so secure, so comfortable -then you come along, whip everything out from under my toes, and yes, i spend some time on the floor, but eventually i get up again and i'm fine. i hate it that i can be fine. then not fine. then fine again. life is full of you. if life were a monopoly game, you'd have double hotels on not only boardwalk and park place, but all the greens and yellows as well. if we weren't able to get over you, mr. change (yes, change is a guy) we wouldn't be able to survive, i do know this. if we couldn't come to love a person and then learn to live without them, we wouldn't be able to cope with life. but i hate it. i hate it that i'm ok without loved ones, and i hate it that in the coming months and years, i'll learn to live without people who once held my world together. yes mr. change, i hate you.