i don't remember an exact time, or even the year really, but at some point, i stopped holding hands. i remember holding hands with my dad, mom, grandparents, girlfriends, babysitters, even my brother -and then i remember not doing it anymore. i didn't naturally go for my parent's hand when crossing the street, i could walk without my grandpa's hand guiding me, and i didn't feel like my best friend and i had to be connected at the hip [hand]. but i watch my little kindies walk down the hallways at school, and they're all holding hands (ok, mostly the girls, but sometimes the boys, too. and you can bet that they'll leave school holding their mom's hand). so i started wondering...what happened? i don't think it was a conscious decision i made to stop holding my dad's hand in the parking lot. it just kind of happened. and from what i can tell, it just kind of happens to everyone. but why? why do we all of a sudden feel the need to show our independence? what's so great about independence? i have to say i prefer security. there's enough in the world to make us scared and insecure -why does a counteract like hand holding have to be taken from us in the midst of that?

when i was 11, i got my own room (another "sign of independence" i'm not sure is so great) and my grandpa gave me 2 pictures to hang on my empty new walls. one was a girl walking on the beach picking up seashells. this little girl is the only one in the picture, but it never bothered me because i knew her dad was the one taking the picture (yes, it was a painting, but that didn't matter in my head). this painting later inspired a bit of lyrics for a song i never finished..."little girl, walking through the sand...tightly holding on to her daddy's hand...the waves come crashing in, but she just skips and grins...daddy's there and there's not a care in the world..." the other picture my grandpa gave me was robert fulghum's "all i really need to know i learned in kindergarten." i remember laying in bed reading it over and over...especially the last line, "and it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out in the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together." i agree.

here in korea, people like to walk arm in arm. when lizzie and i first got here, we kind of laughed and joked about popping our space bubbles. but we've found it's actually really natural and just plain nice. touch is an amazing thing -and i think hands can be used for more than just swinging at our sides. of course we don't have to walk around holding hands all the time -but it's a simple gesture that says -i need you, and you need me. we are not alone. we are not self-sustained. no matter where you go, i'll be here. when you get lost, i'll be there, too. when you get scared, i'll be there. it's just plain nice. and i think we could use more of that. don't worry, i'm not going to hold your hand everywhere i go from now on. but every now and then i might put my arm through yours and stay there for awhile. it just eases something inside and reminds me everything's ok. i surely won't mind if you do the same.

i thought i'd give you a look into my last several weeks...picture style.


rachel comes to visit from japan and we show her all the korean hot spots. (this is just before the sunglass vendor came out to yell at us).


singing journey in na-ree-bongs (karaoke rooms) is a favorite pastime -"don't stop believing...hold on to that feeling..."


we went to the zoo!


lizzie's mom comes to visit for a week! friday coffee at ediya's is a must.


lovely cherry blossoms at gyeongbuk palace.


the beautiful mountains that we never see because of the pollution.


lizzie and i are silly (as usual) at the korean national folk museum.


working on our korean poses at the korean folk village.


my penguin class learns about the body hands on.


as teachers, lizzie and i always set an example of perfect maturity.


mom comes to visit!! and brings with her a ridiculous amount of wonderful things -including graham crackers, life cereal, chocolate chips, refried beans, applesauce...etc. etc.


mom joins us on our fieldtrip to the country.


lil' cindy lou who dares to touch the big white dog with her big, strong, loving teacher at her side. =)


starbucks in korea! we can read it!


mom finds a van just her size. she thought dad would get a kick out of this. =)


cindy takes us to a really cute restaurant with super comfy couches and the most delicious tea i've ever had.


mom tries bibinbap and is quick on her way to falling in love with korean food.


all us teachers with the april birthday kiddies. (apparently i'm the teacher most likely to be mistaken for a student).


samuel and kenneth are such peaceful boys.


mom puts her back into it at the korean folk village.


yay for cherry blossoms! and yay for moms!


mom decides it's time for a swim.


finally -a swing that's made for standing up on!


we're ready to explore changgyeong-gung palace, hoods and all!




a cool gate.


the famous "secret" garden.


one of my favorites.


an extremely old tree.


mom learned the ways of the subway quite quickly. (always carry a book and the end seats are most coveted).


mom at the ruins of persia. (aka the "golden persia" exhibit at the national museum of korea).


a fabulous game of masterpiece.


yes, that is a strawberry and yes, that is hummus on it. but no, it wasn't intentional. and yes, i did eat it.


mcmuffins cheer us up after saying goodbye to mom at the airport.

at this point, we're over halfway through the year! (excuse me while i dance around the floor a moment). spring is here and it's gorgeous! we plan on enjoying these couple months of warm weather before the intense heat comes and all we want to do is sit inside watching movies with the ac on. as you saw, april was mom month and it was wonderful. june will bring more visitors -my bf rachel and lizzie's brother, matt! yay!! if you want to join in on the fun, let me know and i'll put you down on the schedule. we have an inflatable sleeping pad and you'll be amazed at how comfy it is! not sold? i'll make you peanut butter cookies! chocolate chip? still not sold? i don't know what to do with you.

my mom is coming today! no, i don't think you understand -my MOM is coming TODAY! as in only a few more hours!! if you know what this feels like, you're dancing around the room right now. yeah, it's ok, i didn't expect you to know. =)

"she will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. then she will say, "i will go back to my husband as at first, for then i was better off than now." (hosea 2:7)

"come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but He will heal us; He has injured us but He will bind up our wounds." (hosea 6:1)

say you're a seventeen year old girl who falls in love with the perfect guy. he's kind, funny, good looking, and he loves you more than anything. you're soon engaged and the summer after you graduate high school, you marry him. he's wonderful -all you could have hoped for and more. however, after a few months of marital bliss, you catch him snoring while you're sharing your heart late at night...he no longer kisses you before leaving for work...and he doesn't open the car door for you anymore. at first, you figure it must be normal and you don't worry about it. you act as happy as ever. but as the months go by, you begin to wonder if he would even notice if you weren't there when he got home from work one day. you begin to wonder if he would even miss you if you left. after much arguing and debating with yourself, you act against your better judgment and pack your suitcase and run away. but you don't run that far -only to the next town where you have a sister with a spare bedroom. he doesn't come after you. after a week, you run a little further -to a town where an old friend has an empty couch. he still doesn't come. after a few more weeks, you go even further to a city where you get a hotel room and a temp. job at a restaurant. no sign of him. finally, you move on to the big city where you rent an apartment and get a job as a secretary. several months later, you're still looking for him to pull up in front of your apartment. you're still checking the mailbox for a letter with his handwriting. nothing. you give up. ok, you'll be the one to go back. you'll admit all your mistakes, make everything right again. but were things ever actually right? no matter, someone has to make the first move. you drive and drive until you come to the house where he is out sitting on the front porch. you get your suitcase and walk slowly up the walkway.

"i'm sorry ron. but i'm back now."

"oh, were you gone?"

do you walk in, up the stairs, and unpack your suitcase? do you stay because you love this man? do you stay because you have nowhere else to go? or do you turn around and get back in your car, not knowing where you'll go, but sure that anything is better than his apathy?


sometimes you need someone to care enough to get mad -to shout at you, say you made him worry -be anything but apathetic. passion, even if it's angry, is feeling. and feeling is sometimes as close to real as we get.

love is not convenient. it's not supposed to be -in fact, i'm becoming convinced that real love is all about inconvenience.

more on this to come later.

a little while ago i decided i needed to bake something (sometimes i feel the need to "make" something...to use my hands rather than my head), so i asked elizabeth what i should make. i knew what she was going to say -and i was right -peanut butter cookies. more specifically, peanut butter cookies minis the eggs. so i mixed up the dough in a plastic bowl with a metal fork, plopped little balls onto the small pan, popped them in the toaster oven and turned the timer to 7 minutes. then i grabbed my book and sat down at my little kitchen table where i couldn't miss the aroma wafting from the oven. this worked great the first time -my nose told me the cookies were about done and sure enough, they were golden brown, then 2 seconds later the timer dinged. wallah! the second time, however, anne lamott apparently had not only my eyes wrapped up in her words, but my nose as well. i forgot to set the timer and by the time i thought about the cookies, there was smoke finding a way out from the rear of the oven. when i opened the oven door, it streamed out and fogged up my glasses so i couldn't see the very black blobs on the cookie sheet till several seconds later.

normally, i would be a bit put out by this. granted, i always burn cookies -it's a trademark of mine. but this didn't have to happen! 3 perfectly good cookies, gone to the drain (literally since cookies all but dissolve in water and it's much easier to dispose of them that way than put them in the special little green food waste bags we have to use here in seoul). anyway, i'd normally chide myself for being so careless and use my middle name for effect. however, my first thought was how funny the smoke had looked coming out from the oven and how i had to tell lizzie about it. so i did, and she laughed, and i did, too.

sometimes all you need is a friend. someone to be there -to be there no matter how important or trivial the occasion is, to listen no matter how life-changing or stupid the idea is, to hug you no matter how much it hurts or sparkles. a friend makes all the difference in the world. when lizzie and i are out adventuring around the city together, i never worry about getting lost or catching the wrong subway line -because as long as we're together, we'll be fine. in fact, as long as we're together, we'll have fun while we're at it.

i've always known that i need people -that people make or break my world. but i never knew how basic this need in my life is -without elizabeth, my world feels dark. (but elizabeth is always there, so i don't actually fully know what that feels like). with elizabeth, my world is light. of course, it's not quite that black and white. there are many people at home who make my world and without God and my family and friends, there would be no world to get dark or light. but at this moment, during this time in korea, elizabeth is literally the one keeping me together. it's crazy to think that one person can completely make or break me. my (almost) 6 months here have been amazing because of her...not because i love korea or i love my kids or i love kimchi. (though i do actually love my kids).

it makes me realize that no matter what i end up doing in the coming years, it's going to be about the people i'm with. i had no idea this year would be all about a friendship rather than a country or a job. people are who we relate to -and what are experiences without people to share them with? my experiences here -whether it's burning cookies, getting trapped on the subway, walking to school in the morning, or visiting a van gogh exbibit -would mean nothing if elizabeth wasn't here to laugh, cry, smile, etc. with me during them. but because she's here, they are incredible. God gives us people to share our lives with and it's truly one of the most beautiful things i know.

change -i hate you. hate is a very strong word, and i hardly ever use it, but in this case, you deserve it. i hate it that you make me change -but even more so, i hate myself for being changeable. it feels so non-committal and insincere. how can i be so set, so secure, so comfortable -then you come along, whip everything out from under my toes, and yes, i spend some time on the floor, but eventually i get up again and i'm fine. i hate it that i can be fine. then not fine. then fine again. life is full of you. if life were a monopoly game, you'd have double hotels on not only boardwalk and park place, but all the greens and yellows as well. if we weren't able to get over you, mr. change (yes, change is a guy) we wouldn't be able to survive, i do know this. if we couldn't come to love a person and then learn to live without them, we wouldn't be able to cope with life. but i hate it. i hate it that i'm ok without loved ones, and i hate it that in the coming months and years, i'll learn to live without people who once held my world together. yes mr. change, i hate you.